Sunday – reading day

flower growing out of a book
So, I’ve been going-going-going for months and months on a number of writing projects. There’s been a ton of logistics to figure out, and it’s been fun in its own way. Additionally, I’ve been really busy with my day-job, to the point of exhaustion, which has its aspects of twisted pleasure — mmmmm! stress!!! Tasty…

In all honesty, there’s a certain sweetness to the steady pump of stress hormones in my system. They focus me. They make things seem much simpler than they actually are. They wake me up and provide energy, motivation, a sense of purpose.

But I’m feeling wrung out, these days. I’m feeling a bit… “thinned”. I need to feed myself, build myself up in ways that really work for me, so I can continue at the pace I need to keep, these days. Life won’t slow down for me, that’s for certain. I need to keep up. So, that means I need to do a bit more for myself. I need to be my own best friend.

So… Sundays. Yeah, Sundays. I’ve structured my life such that I don’t have anything happening on that last/first day of the week, and I need to put some more thought into how I use that time. I haven’t been reading like I should. I’ve been skimming and browsing and surfing, following links off Twitter and so forth. But I haven’t sat down with a book and worked my way through it from start to finish, in quite some time. I’ve started books, yes. Finished? Very seldom, in the past couple of years.

bookshelf packed with booksI really want to change that. So, I shall. I’ve got a study full of books that I haven’t read — I tend to “bookpile”, acquiring all kinds of books that I would love to read (and want to read at the time I buy them), but then don’t get around to reading. I can’t even count how many of these kinds of books I have in my collection. And yet, my first impulse is to get more books — often at the library — when I feel like reading something.

I’m a little tired of having to make runs to the library, though. I don’t have easy access to one, anymore. It’s a “long way around” trip to the nearest one in my library system, and I’ve become really possessive of my time. Plus, it takes planning to request a book, pick it up, and then return it at the right time, and with everything that’s been going on, I have less time and energy to spare for that executive function extravaganza. I’d rather not have to plan.

So, I have a way around that. And it fits really well into my plans. With all the really good books I have, I can keep myself well occupied for the foreseeable future. A lot of them are books I would have checked out of the library, anyway. And they’re (mostly) classics of their fields — texts which are often cited by others. So, I’m going to be getting enduring value from them.

Of course, there’s always the sensed “danger” of missing out on what’s going on in the world around me. What cutting-edge research am I overlooking? What new developments am I not paying attention to? But honestly, so much research (especially autism research) is based on flawed assumptions and arrogant presumptions, that it makes more sense for me to settle into the embrace of timeless wisdom and make myself comfortable there.

The research will be there, when I resurface… if I ever do.


This line of thinking actually speaks to a larger theme in my life, these days — the need for substance, which I seem to be missing a lot, lately. I’ve got a lot of ideas running through my head, but I don’t seem to be finding a lot of… parity… in my world. There’s a lot of outrage, a lot of getting worked-up going on around me, but there’s not a lot of objective reasoning about things that have lasting value. Sure, there’s lots of chatter about present-day politics and office dynamics and what’s going to become of us all, but those seem to be couched in ephemera, centering around the here-and-now, not looking into the distant past, or imagining a whole new future.

Or maybe it’s just me. I’m tired, after all. And when I’m tired, my mind starts to do interesting things that lead to stories which don’t always correlate with the truth of the matter. I still have a lot to do, today — run a bunch of errands, then go to a friend’s birthday party (god help me), where I have to be social. Sure, I care about the people there. Yep, I enjoy their company. But after a long week of business travel, being all amped-up and tweaking my sensory issues to extremes? Yeah, the proverbial milk of human kindness isn’t exactly coursing through my veins, right now.

Well, so it goes. I’ll do what I have to do, then I have the day OFF tomorrow. It’s something to look forward to, something to work towards.

Reading. Just reading. And sleeping. And reading some more.

Sweet, sweet relief.


An interesting start to the new year

road with yellow stripes and trees with snow along the sidesUsually, when the new year comes around, I feel an immediate change in my mood. The last year is behind me, and the potential of the new year is ahead. This year, though, as soon as the date changed over to 2018, I had this abrupt sense of reality. It felt like all of the intentions and all of the resolutions of yesteryear were to no avail, and all the positive thinking in the world was not going to get me where I need to go.

It’s been a bit of a downer, in a way, but on the other hand, I think this is probably one of the most promising changeovers I’ve ever experienced. Because while lacking a buoyant sense of optimism feel strange and out of place, the feeling of stark realism give me more hope for my actual future.

I have a lot to do this year. I have a lot of important decisions to make, and I have a lot of momentous steps ahead of me. My writing has shifted to a more intentional direction, with the emphasis on hard work and personal responsibility, and worrying less about what others are doing, than what I’m up to. And my overall worldview has shifted from one that was punctuated with spurts of wishful thinking and visualization interspersing long periods of frittering away my precious time… to dealing with reality as it is, and taking steps to substantively alter it in the direction I desire.

When I think of all the time I spent in the past, just thinking about how I wanted things to be, instead of actually doing something concrete about it, I cringe. Because for all of its ability to make me feel differently, visualization doesn’t help at all if I don’t combine it with actual work. And it’s the work that I’m focused on for this year.

So, I have no over-arching resolutions for this year, no list of things I’d like to do, dreams, visions, big picture blueprints from my future success. What I have now – and this is much more hopeful – is a long list of things I know I need to do, in the order that I need to do them, and a structure to my life that will allow me to actually get them done.

So while this new year maybe a little little more muted than years gone by, it’s probably one of the most hopeful ones I’ve had. A life well-lived takes a lot of work. And I’m worker, so that is definitely in my favor. Rather than hoping, wishing, praying, and visualizing for a changed life, I’m just getting down to the business of doing what needs to be done, and slogging through the boring, challenging, frustrating, demoralizing stuff that inevitably comes with any kind of substantial change.

It’s a new year, and I have a new outlook. It’s the best one I can possibly imagine for myself.

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Next up: Some time to sink into the Flow

abstract painting flow
Well, my duties have been discharged for the year, and now I’m free to do what I like with my time. Well, mostly free. I “clocked out” at 12:08 p.m., after answering a last-minute email from a colleague in Ireland. He was emailing me after his business hours, so I might as well be considerate. Then I turned on my email auto-reponder informing the world that I’ll be back in just under 2 weeks, and now I’m “free to move about the cabin”, as it were.

I love this time of year. I really do. I like the long nights. It feels warmly enveloping, even if it’s below freezing outside. I love the darkness and the short days. Sadly, the days will be lengthening after tomorrow. Oh, well… Maybe I’ll move to a Nordic country in my later years, so I can have a longer winter… Or not.

This year is an anomaly in my long career. Experts decry the low numbers of employment in the Autistic population, but it feels to me like I’ve been missing out. If only I were underemployed. Sheesh. 😉  I know, I know. I need to be careful what I ask for, but I’m seriously tired. I’ve been continuously employed since 1988 — nearly 30 years, now — and with just a few breaks in between — a week to regroup from a layoff in 1993, and another 10 days to move across the country in 1995 — I’ve been showing up to work religiously for three decades, now.

With just the all-too-short weekends to let me modestly recharge, till I had to go back at it on Monday mornings.

But this year is different. I’m now working for a company that has a free week off between Christmas and New Year’s each year. If that isn’t an antidote to all the corporate B.S., I don’t know what is. Plus, it’s free for everyone — it doesn’t tap into my vacation time or require a dock in pay. It’s just there to take. And everybody’s taking it.

Which means I’ll be free for nearly 2 weeks… and I can get into my Flow State. I can clean out my study and organize myself. Heck, I might even locate the copy of Flow that I bought a few months back. That would be nice. I could read it.

Or not.

I can do what I like. Think what I like. Read what I like. Lie down and nap whenever I like. Make the most of my time, doing and thinking things I typically don’t have the time to do or think.

I might even sew something. That would be a lot of fun. I’ve got some clothes-making projects I’ve been thinking about for months, now. I could do that, too.

I can write. With more than the standard 20 minutes to collect my thoughts and get them on paper. I can focus on projects I’ve had cookin’ for quite some time. I can even finish up the Autistic Woman’s Cycle Calendar (a monthly cycle tracker that’s especially for menopausal women on the autism spectrum) that I’ve been finalizing for Auptima Press. I can do anything I like — and that means I can finalize stuff I’ve been wanting to finalize.

I can actually get some stuff done.

And that’s good.

It’s very good, indeed.

Something better this way comes

person standing on shore looking out at ocean as sun streams through break in the cloudsI’ve been thinking a lot about how much time and energy has been consumed by the drama around “To Siri With Love”.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much time and energy women have spent over the last days and weeks and months, dealing with all of the sexual harassment bullshit that’s been going on for as long as we all can remember.

And yesterday, I came across a Twitter post that really said it all for me.

i am sad that so much good women’s writing has come out of this moment and all of it is inevitably explaining this moment—what else could we be writing if we weren’t constantly doing the labor of explicating our own professional subjugation?
i am sad that so much good women’s writing has come out of this moment and all of it is inevitably explaining this moment—what else could we be writing if we weren’t constantly doing the labor of explicating our own professional subjugation?

It’s as true for my feelings about the autistic situation, as it is for my feelings about women and our place in the world — past, present, future. It applies to a whole lot of groups — people of color, disabled, queer, all the folks who have been systematically disenfranchised and have been fighting to stay afloat for a while, now. We’re all so busy just trying to stay alive, that we have no chance to do much else.

Take Black women voters in Alabama, for example… Nobody really notices Black women, until they show up and vote the way everybody else who cares about the well-being of folks who aren’t straight, white, and a certain slice of Christian, should vote. And then, suddenly, everybody’s in love with Black women. They notice they exist.

And then the election passes, and everybody goes back to their systemic inequalities, slipping back into somnolent indifference… until the next Major Threat comes along.

It’s a tiresome cycle, and it’s perpetual. And it sucks the life out of so many of us. Basically, if we weren’t constantly dealing with all the socio-cultural assaults, the injustice, the inequalities, and so forth, how much time and energy would we have for creating and writing about other things that have to do with us living our lives to the fullest in the kind of world we want to create, rather than constantly defending ourselves against the systems that somebody else created and we are sorta kinda stuck with?

I feel the same way about the whole Siri drama. I feel like I’ve really gotten derailed, over the past week or so. I’m very happy with some of the pieces I written, and I think they will stand the test of time. They speak not only to themes in the book, but also to enduring issues that we really do need to solve as an autistic community, even as a larger human community, if we are going to move forward. Unless we fix some of this shit, we can’t ensure that everyone will live with full dignity and opportunity to experience life as fully as we can. It’s the typical socio-cultural moshpit action that gets me all stirred up and bent out of shape on a semi-regular basis.

The problem is, the Agendas I’ve been addressing have been set by somebody else, the bar for acceptability has been set extremely low, and the stakes feel very high.

It’s addicting. It truly is. Going on Twitter to see what else people have said, looking for how people are responding, coming through the news, reading blogs, even occasionally going over to Facebook – which I tend to avoid like the plague – it all perks me up and gets me out of my low-level malaise that seems to be the flavor of the year.

But addiction is not how I want to spend my life. In fact, much of my life has really been marred by addiction coming from all directions, including from within. I deal with my demons on a regular basis, and I know how easy it is for me to get drawn into cycles of upheaval followed by pain management, and I know how susceptible I am to the buzz that comes from active social media.

So, I have to be careful. And every now and then, I need to step away. It’s healthy. It feeds the sides of me that get lost in the online shuffle. And it helps my system regulate back to where I am behaving like myself again, instead of just being a series of reactions to everything else that’s happening around me.

Honestly, that’s what I want most: To be myself, in my own way, rather than just being a composite of reactions to others. The great irony is, those others probably don’t even realize I’m there, in the course of their own internal dramas. Everybody’s got their dance to dance, without exception. So, the task of living in constant relation to everybody else’s self-absorbed gyrations (which may not make any sense to anybody else outside their head, including me) is a fool’s errand.

Unfortunately, I fall for playing fool far too often.

That being said, when I look around me at the world we inhabit, replete with its misunderstandings about autism, and human experience in general, I ask myself, How can this change? Certainly, it changes when we take oppressive and exploitive elements to task, and we oppose their proliferation. We can’t just let people get away with crap without saying something. On the other hand, we also need to add in positive influences as a kind of cultural ballast to give our community more to work with than just accusations that Those people did things all wrong all over again.

That’s the space where I want to be. I want to be in a positive frame of mind, in a position of creating new alternatives, not just taking the old, tired ways to task. I don’t want to be a freaking gatekeeper for other people’s sensibilities. I’ve got my own since abilities, and getting dragged down to their level is just so depressing. Plus, it’s boring. Seriously it’s incredibly . mind-numbingly . boring. Where’s the joy? Where’s the excitement? Where’s the future? There’s not a whole lot of it that I’m seeing in the old, worn, outdated attitudes about autistic people and how we function in the world.

When I look around me, I see a lot of signs of hope. Employers are making more of an effort to make room for autistic people. Our community is picking up speed, beginning to thrive, and the amount of writing by actually autistic people is increasing exponentially. Things genuinely are shifting in our favor, however slowly, and every day it seems like there are new glimmers of hope in our prospects for the future. No substantive change happens overnight, of course, and the changes that we do make have to be supported and furthered in ways that will make them more than just a passing fad. But, compared to how things were 20 years ago when I first realized I was on the spectrum, things are so much better now. And they’re better because we are paying attention to the stuff that needs to change and we’re getting allies who are actually capable of stepping up and helping us steer our collective ship any better and more positive direction.

So, while the critic in me practically salivates at the idea of working my way through offending research papers and books and memoirs and picking them apart to show how very Wrong they are, there’s a bigger part of me that wants to just ditch all that crap, leave the critiquing to others who have the time and energy for it, and set out in a whole new direction. I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of other people’s lousy inventions, their shoddy thinking, their lazy philosophies, handing over their whole minds to purported experts who have a ton of funding to spread half truths and outright lies about people like me. I want to live my own truth, and demonstrate very clearly that there’s a whole lot more to being autistic than just a collection of behaviors. The autistic experience is humanity-times-1,000, and with the depth and breath of our intensities, there’s a whole lot to be learned about what it means to be autistic — and what it means to be human.

Our neurology amplifies everything. It magnifies and emphasizes stuff that most non-autistic people would never even notice. And it also numbs us to what other people are very sensitive to. It’s fascinating, and why wouldn’t I want to dwell in that fascination, as opposed to getting dragged down into the intellectual malaise of people who haven’t figured out how to think for themselves?

Why indeed?

That being said, it’s time for me to wander off and go think about something interesting for a while, hone my thought process, and see what coolness I can come up with. Autism is amazing. It’s excellent. And it can be a hugely challenging gift. But when I rise to the challenge and work with things as they are, some pretty cool shit happens.

Let’s talk about that, shall we…?

Without #TheoryOfMind, #ToSiriWithLove wouldn’t be the dumpster fire it is

picture of screaming man kneeling with blindfold on and barbed wire wrapped around his body - theory of mind is meaningless and causes pain to autistic people
Haven’t autistic people suffered from the “Theory of Mind” hypothesis long enough?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this infamous “Siri” book, lately, and while some people are absolutely horrified by the author’s attitude about her son, there’s something deeper and larger that really bothers me about this book. In fact, I think without this element, the book – and the attitudes of the author, which give the book its overarching tone – might not even exist.

That factor is the influence of the “Theory of Mind” (ToM) hypothesis, popularized and commercialized by Simon Baron-Cohen. The ToM hypothesis posits that autistic people lack “the ability to attribute mental states – beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. – to oneself, and to others, and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one’s own” (thank you, Wikipedia)

There is some great thinking around why this theory is wrong, so wrong, and the implications of it, so I won’t go into all of it. See Sharing: Clinically Significant Disturbance: On Theorists Who Theorize Theory of Mind | Yergeau | Disability Studies Quarterly,  Theory of Mind, my Ass,  and We can stop suffering from Theory of Mind, Now. Study reports: Interaction Takes Two: Typical Adults Exhibit Mind-Blindness Towards Those on Autism Spectrum on this blog for more of my writing about it.

I think it’s fair to say that “Theory of Mind” started wreaking its havoc years ago, and considering how anti-autistic thinking has really evolved and dug in just over the last 10 years, or so, I would say that it has experienced something of a philosophical triumph. Woe betide any who challenge it. In fact, if you do challenge it (as an autistic person), it’s easy enough to refute you by saying you lack ToM, yourself, so how could you understand something you’re too deficient to grasp?

It’s the ultimate intellectual castle surrounded by a moat. Just toss ToM out there, pull up the conceptual drawbridge, and you’re safe from all the marauding hordes of those developmentally disabled types.

Theory of Mind definitely dominates the mind-share space in mainstream autism thinking (and I use the term “thinking” with reservation). And nowhere is that more evident than in “To Siri With Love”. I mean, Siri-ously (sorry!), it’s just so pernicious and pervasive, and the author repeats its tenets so often, that it’s pretty clearly a foundational subtext that colors the entire discussion of Gus and his life.

The author says in the Introduction,

…every person with ASD I’ve ever met has some deficit in his “theory of mind.” Theory of mind is the ability to understand, first, that we have wishes and desireds and a way of looking at the world — i.e., self-awareness. But then, on top of that, it’s knowing that other people have wishes and desires and a worldview that differs from yours.

Groan. “Every person” she’s ever met… Maybe she needs to get out more… The worst thing is, she keeps referencing ToM throughout the book. Whether it’s explicit references to ToM or the underlying tone that belief in alleged “mind blindness” makes possible, the blight of Theory of Mind is like an invasive species that’s reached its grasping tentacles it to a whole underground network of healthy roots and is gradually choking out the chance of any alternative concepts.

I’m not sure she could have written the book she did, had she not been taught that her son is severely deficient in a quality / ability that some (including Simon Baron-Cohen) believe is one of the hallmarks of humanity itself. Clearly, someone got to her and convinced her that Gus has an insurmountable deficit. And there we have it. End of story. Until somebody can find the gold in it and make a decent buck off the whole “hilarious” catastrophe.

What I really hope to point out in this little essay, is that while challenging the author on her choice of words as well as her outlook is certainly one way to approach this situation, and taking the publisher to task is absolutely necessary, let’s not forget who is actually responsible for this dumpster fire. That would be Simon Baron-Cohen, along with the publishers who put out his work about ToM, and all the other people who seized on that half-baked concept, popularized it, capitalized on it, and built a veritable canon around that really shitty example of bad science.

The ToM hypothesis is so pervasive, so subtly intrusive, that even autistic people buy it. I had spirited exchange with an autistic man about a week ago about how theory of mind is not good for anyone. He didn’t buy it. It was very invested in the explanation, which he seem to think exonerated him from culpability for his autistic challenges and made it possible for him to understand himself better. Yes, it’s important that we find ways of understanding ourselves and our relative limitations… and we often do that with that hypotheses, theories. They can be extremely helpful to the autistic mind. We look for patterns. That’s what we do. And having a shorthand explanation that encapsulates a complex bunch of issues into the straightforward explanation is very helpful in a number of ways.

But when the concepts that we are seizing on are fundamentally flawed, are based on not only bad science but really shoddy interpretations of the data, and they’re derogatory and dehumanizing – which Theory of Mind is – then, Houston, we have a problem.

All this being said, I would love to see some of the outrage channeled towards the root causes. Taking one author to task, only solves one set of problems. Taking the publisher to task will not solve anything, since publishers often consider themselves bold “truth tellers” in the face of ideological tyranny. Until we fully address and debunk the debilitating Theory of Mind hypothesis, shit like this is going to continue to happen. We will continue to see books like this. We will continue to see parents having these kind of dismissive, diminutive attitudes about their autistic children. We will continue to see therapists using pain and coercion to manufacture so-called “normal” kids who have been supposedly “lost” to a condition or disorder which has taken them hostage. We will continue to see our voices marginalized and derided and completely overlooked, because we will not be fully human. Our minds will not be considered fully formed. Our future will continue to be constrained by imaginations of people who are far too willing and eager to take experts at their word and line up behind that ideological Trojan horse.

As long as Theory of Mind is allowed to stand without challenge, as long as we fail to assign the proper responsibility for mindsets like Judith Newman‘s, as long as we pick battles at downstream points, we will continue to see these issues cropping up, time and again.

And until Simon Baron-Cohen retracts his hypothesis about Theory of Mind and takes full responsibility for the harm it has done to countless autistic individuals, no amount of boycotting, no amount of tweeting, no amount of Amazon reviews is going to stem the tide of material like this.

So, while I have serious problems with how Newman thinks about her son and talks about him in public, and while I do have only the deepest disdain for a publishing company that didn’t even bother to fact check or tone check one of their pet projects, I think the problem lies deeper. And as long as we continue to spend our energy on skirmishes, will be losing the chance to win the larger battle.

As much as I hate all the warfare metaphors, as much as I object to talking about this in terms of battles, we do have a serious conflict on our hands. And there are people being hurt, even killed, because of it. I, for one, can’t just sit idly by, while all this is happening. Nor can I content myself with the fact that a lot of people are learning about just what a troubling book “To Siri With Love” actually says. These are all signs of progress, these are all indicators that something, however small, maybe changing in our favor. But in the grand scheme of things, we have a long way to go before we are seen as fully human, and fully capable of complex thought, let alone agency in our own lives. We have Theory of Mind to thank for that, and until weed out that pernicious influence, we’re going to be fighting the same battles, squabbling in the same skirmishes, for the foreseeable future.

I’m tired.

Let’s fix this shit.

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The virulent #ToSiriWithLove debate – our very own #autistic #zombie movie drama

three zombiesOkay, I’ve had my good night’s sleep, and I’m ready to wade back into the fray. Yes, I’ve gotten triggered in a big way by all the brouhaha around “To Siri With Love”. But that’s not a bad thing, in itself.

I’m of a slightly different mindset about triggers than a lot of people I know. I don’t necessarily avoid them, or think they’re bad things. I mean, the whole experience is sucky, yeah. But that’s an experience I’m having. It’s not the real deal. And depending on my state of mind/body from one day to the next, I can have either an extreme (and borderline debilitating) response to something, or I can be like, “Meh… whatever.” And that tells me I shouldn’t structure my life around avoiding things that potentially trigger me, ’cause, well, just about anything and everything can trigger me, so what am I s’pposed to do? Just never do anything? Never go anywhere? Never read anything or watch anything? I can’t do that! I’ve gotta live my life! There’s so much to experience and explore and learn! I can’t be held back by fear or anxiety, even if it tears the living crap out of me (literally) at times.

Now, I do draw the line at horror and overtly, intentionally cruel violence done to people and animals. I won’t subject myself to that. It’s way more work to overcome, than it’s worth, so I avoid media about that as much as possible. That includes zombies. I’m really not a fan of The Walking Dead and other zombie movies where humans are forced to fight for their lives against the flesh-eating undead. And I don’t much care for the zombie themes in Game of Thrones. That’s put me off the show.

Here’s a weird thing — I feel a strange compassion for zombies, and I don’t think t.v. shows about destroying them is good entertainment. The whole dynamic just doesn’t entertain me. Maybe it’s because the threat of zombies, while real and justified in those dramas, seems to reside very much in people’s minds. It’s the thought of what zombies can do to you that terrifies people and prompts them to fight them. It’s the look of them, the fact of their existence, that sparks the violent reaction.

If zombies didn’t care about us at all, and just went about their own business, I think people would still be inclined to kill them. Because they make people uncomfortable. Zombies are unattractive. Herky-jerky. Hungry. Uncouth. They’re an expression of our dark side — and what nobody ever wants to become. And since they’re not even technically human anymore, of course, they’re open season to anyone with a rocket launcher.

It’s funny. I don’t even like zombies. The whole concept seems overblown and contrived. I went to see the “Night of the Living Dead” sequel “Dawn of the Dead” in college, in one of those massive outdoor movie theaters they set up on the quad, with hundreds and hundreds of chairs for all of us to sit down. I don’t remember much about the movies, other than the fact that I watched it and I rapidly went into sensory overwhelm and pretty much shut down. After all, the speakers were really loud, the sound quality was shite, the quad was full of people, and it was outdoors, an unfamiliar setting for watching a movie. I couldn’t relax at all. At first, that seemed cool, but then it got to be too much for me.

I stuck it out, though, and I completed watching the film. Then I did the requisite thing of hanging out with friends afterwards and comparing notes on the movie… insofar as you can compare notes on a zombie movie.

Anyway I digress. Or do I? It seems to me, the drama around “To Siri With Love” is the rough equivalent of a zombie movie playing out in the autistic community.

It applies in both directions — on the one hand, we autistic folks don’t seem to be considered 100% human in the neurotypical way. We’re considered gadflies and whiners, “developmentally delayed” malcontents who can’t take a joke, or even understand that there was a joke. After all, we’re autistic, so if we identify as such, we’re proclaiming that we’re diagnostically less-than, disadvantaged by our own admission. Autism is still considered a capital-D Disorder. Sigh. Forget about differences. Forget about divergent developmental profiles. The diagnostic manuals don’t provide much insight there. So, if we willingly “admit” that we’re autistic, we’re proclaiming our Disordered status — and that in itself is viewed askance by a society that prizes and rewards “normalcy” above all else. If you’re willing to admit you’re Disordered, that’s even more damning than the supposed Disorder, itself.

Maybe we should start just referring to ourselves as 299.00 (F84.0). That’s the DSM-V billing code.


On the other hand, the autistic community has its own villains. There’s the dehumanizing publisher, HarperCollins, that put the book out. There’s the whole system that kicked into gear to take the book from concept to marketable commodity. A whole lot of work went into this project over the course of years, and yet, nobody thought it was a bad idea? Everybody was fine with “joking” about a young boy’s prospective sex life, revealing personal details that will easily disqualify him from prospective employment when hiring professionals Google him, and a mother openly discussing her plans for taking legal control over his body and sterilizing him (maybe temporarily, but even so).

That didn’t raise a flag for anybody?


Seriously, what were they thinking? How did that book even make it to print in its current form? A whole boatload of people are pathologically clue-deficient, when it comes to basic decency, in my not-so-humble opinion.

And then there’s the oblivious author, who seems quite comfy in her echo-chamber-y corner of the world, where everybody gets her jokes, and she’s a hero, not a villain. I have to wonder what it’s like to live in a world where none of what she’s done or said has any consequence at all. In all honesty, what I see — rather than a Terrible Person who’s abusing her son (I haven’t finished the book, so I can’t speak to that for sure, yet, tho’ I do see some trouble spots) — is someone who’s been sheltered and provided for and shielded from the very dire realities faced by autistic folks who are a lot less well-off than she. And when I say “well-off”, I mean in terms of money, connections, buffering from the stupidities and brutalities of life, and general acceptance of who she is by an environment full of admirers (and not a few flatterers).

Judith Newman has been called all sorts of names, but ultimately, I think she just has no idea what she’s done. She’s also afraid to confront it. She was afraid to confront her son’s diagnosis (she said so), and she lost some really valuable data about what makes him how he is, in the process. She doesn’t have enough information to be making all the statements she’s made (but again, the publisher didn’t exactly stop her), and yet she forges onward, defending her right to say / write / publish / reinforce exactly the kinds of misinformation that makes it impossible for me to disclose my autism at work, and thus actually worsens already challenging conditions. Her refusal to educate herself, and then jump up on a “lived experience” soapbox to draw attention to her pervasive clue deficit, makes the world a lot less safe for folks who can actually be harmed by attitudes shaped by her limited world view and experience. She seems more comfortable in Paris, than she is in the America she’s helping to create. She can fly away, anytime. But the rest of us have to live here, in the world she’s helping to shape according to her (limited) sensibilities.

So, both sides have their Enemy in this drama. And that simplifies things, doesn’t it? The author and publisher can look at us as major buzzkills who are impacting their bottom line out of ill-mannered spite and SJW fervor. And the autistic community has another example of WTF is Wrong with the neurotypical world, and how it really can (and does) hurt us.

I, for one, am willing to walk the line between the two sides and examine both critically. I’m also willing to view myself critically, understanding (of course) that I don’t have all the answers, either, and in Newman’s shoes, I could easily create something that does some damage to someone, somewhere. Mwahahaha. Both sides in this kefuffle have their hurts — right, wrong, or imaginary — and they’ve gathered their compatriots to support their sides, but I think there’s much more to be gained from stepping back and really studying this situation. We can learn a lot about what’s wrong with the current popular climate around autism, and we can pinpoint specific things that need to be addressed.

Newman’s book is a veritable treasure trove of indicators of what needs to change, what needs to be informed, what needs to be directly addressed. As long as we get hung up on the hurt, we can’t think clearly. And we sure as hell are not going to make a substantive difference in changing that sh*t into something useful.

This is more than a zombie movie. It’s an opportunity. What we choose to do with it, is our business. Everybody can do what they like. I plan to do something constructive about it.

Let’s fix this shit.

Tonal issues with #ToSiriWithLove

Gus was six when finally a kindly neuropsychologist told us Gus was "on the spectrum." I don't remember much about that day. I do remember that John — gruff, stalwart, very British — climbed into bed with Gus that night and sobbed. Okay, so I’m wading through “To Siri With Love” by Judith Newman, and after a couple of days of intent reading, I took a break just to restore some order to my life.

And to get some perspective. It’s easy to get caught up in the brouhaha / kerfuffle about this book, just by reading all the tweets. It’s easy to have my judgement be clouded by raw emotion.

My alexithymia is a double-edged sword — on the one hand, it lets me wade through really problematic works without getting derailed by an immediate emotional reaction. Then again, the delay in sorting out just what emotional impact things have on me has the “downstream effect” of loading me up with recurring WTF?! flashbacky-like things that get distracting and intrusive and make it hard to sustain concentration on what’s right in front of me.

So, yesterday, I needed to take an alexithymia catch-up break and let myself just digest everything.

There are so many things about this book that are, well, diagnostic of mainstream society’s cluelessness about autism. The impact ranges from irritating to problematic to pernicious. And this book, in my estimation, doesn’t help matters any.

There’s a generally flippant tone to the book, which strikes me as disrespectful of others in the way consistent with the direction that mainstream media has taken over the past 10 years. For some reason, being obnoxious and callous is viewed as a character strength, as though you’re being bold and edgy with intentional assholery. I see this on television more and more — people (for some reason, particularly women — like the lead character in “American Housewife”) being loud and rude, and then being praised for being “real”.

Oh, that’s real, all right — real annoying. And, in the context of my upbringing with people who may not have been perfect, but had standards of behavior… that sort of writing is real unfit for polite society.

To whit – take the passage above.

And of course he got kicked out of the school for learning disabled kids. He wasn’t on drugs like they were. (I am not at all antidrug. I was just antidrug for inattention in a child barely out of nursery school.)

Gus was six when finally a kindly neuropsychologist told us Gus was “on the spectrum.” I don’t remember much about that day. I do remember that John — gruff, stalwart, very British — climbed into bed with Gus that night and sobbed.

In the ensuing months there were many tears for me, too, particularly around neuropsychological testing and schools. Neuropsych tests measure your child’s overall cognitive ability, as well as his areas of strength and weaknesses. When I tell friends I refused to look at the results…

“… He wasn’t on drugs like they [learning disabled kids] were.”

There are a lot of different ways to say something like this. The author could have said, “He wasn’t medicated to ensure his behavior was within their acceptable range.” She could have said, “The rest of his classmates were compliant, as a result of their meds.” Either of those two choices get the point across, but the author chose instead to say the other kids were “on drugs”, which has a whole lotta baggage that goes along with it. Nothing like doing a little borderline character assassination on 4-year-olds. And learning disabled ones, at that.

Classy. (not)

If I were a parent of a kid who had learning difficulties and/or was “on drugs”, I’d really pause at this sentence. It just doesn’t put them in a good light, and the parents would naturally be implicated in that allegation that their kids are drugged-up. Who knows why some children are medicated? I have reservations about how widely meds are dispensed, and under what circumstances. But I’m not going to describe 4-year-olds as “on drugs”. Technically, they may be. But there are other ways to say it, that don’t invoke the knee-jerk bias those two little words trigger.

Seriously, there is such casual misuse of language, such flippant choice of polarizing, judgmental words, that alone makes the book hard to read. I guess maybe it’s that double-empathy issue, where the neurotypical Newman can’t guess what the rest of the world is feeling, and/or just doesn’t care. Then again, the author didn’t act alone. There was a whole system behind her that made this all possible — including agents, editors and advance reviewers. Nobody picked that up? Nobody raised it as an issue? Hm.

And the reveal about her son’s autism diagnosis? She doesn’t remember much about her own experience (which surprises me), but she remembers enough to tell us about her husband’s distress.

Which paints a grim picture of the scene. Something absolutely awful  must have taken place, for her “gruff, stalwart, very British” husband to crawl into bed with his six-year-old son and sob. I was moved, myself. Then I realized what was happening, and I’m like, “Hey! What just happened? They just found out their kid’s autistic, and it’s wrecking their lives? What the actual f*ck?”

Tears in the ensuing months… cognitive tests… schools… I have no doubt that it was stressful, even traumatic, but the way it’s set up, it sounds like Autism Is To Blame(!) Autism Ruined Everything! Autism made her husband cry, and it brought her to tears, as well. There’s no talk about how the system made everything that much harder, how the diagnosticians may have been painting a grim picture of her child’s future, how at every turn, the standard-issue conception of autism was convincing these parents just how impaired their child was, and just how much help he needed.

The author goes on to describe Gus’s diagnosis as “devastating”. And if you take the system and mainstream party line about autism as gospel, well, yuh – it’s gonna be devastating. But the author doesn’t address the real issues at the core. Instead, she likens her reaction to the prospect of finding out what the real deal was with her son, with being a mouse facing it’s gruesome fate in an aquarium with a boa constrictor.

That seems to be one of the foundational issues with the book, as well as with the author’s ongoing defense(iveness) of her work. She fears the truth so profoundly, she won’t face it. This isn’t conjecture. She’s told the world. Unfortunately, the human system requires data to construct its version of reality, so in the absence of actual objective external facts, it looks within and fills in the various blanks with the tidbits of truthiness that feel right.

And then we get this book. A memoir (which lets the author off the hook for factual accuracy, because it’s a personal account) which is ostensibly devoted to autism awareness (but makes us far more aware of her ignorance and lack of understanding about autism, than the nature of her child’s neurodivergence), and sells tons of copies, hangs out on the New York Times Bestseller List for a while, and gets rave reviews by non-autistic readers, who are cheering her on during her prolonged struggle coming to terms with the blow(s) that her son’s autism struck to her otherwise bright future and family legacy.


So, yeah, the tone of the book bothers me a lot. It’s profoundly self-referencing in a way that highlights just how damaging it can be to be profoundly self-referencing. Not just for the autistic child she’s introducing to the world, whether he likes it or not, but for her, for her husband, for her other son, and for all the readers who think this book is just the “bees knees” and laud it as a “heartwarming” personal account that really made them appreciate just how hard it is to have a child with autism.

It’s snarky. It’s self-pitying. It’s alarmingly clueless about the experiences and emotions of others. It’s even violent (the author talks about wanting to punch someone in the face, which is a little to WWE for my tastes). It’s a little difficult to read because of the spacing and pacing — some of the paragraphs are two sentences long, and some sentences go on and on. It is funny in places, but I find that all the problems put me on edge so much, I can’t actually appreciate the humor. And many times, I’ve laughed, then stopped myself and said, “Hey… what did she really just say?”

It’s that sort of disarming … delayed… slam, that puts me off the most. Casting herself as a loving, caring mother (of course she loves her son, she says), and then describing his autism — one of the things that makes him expressly what he is — as “devastating”… it feels more than a little manipulative, and I’ve felt at times as though her sly insertion of bias, prejudice, and a sprinkling of eugenic impulse, has made me complicit in her work to build herself up by tearing her son down.

For the record, I sincerely doubt we’re going to see any sort of apology from Ms. Newman. Yom Kippur doesn’t come around again till September, 2018, so she’s got a lot of time to think about what she’s done and how it’s affected countless autistic folks and their allies, before she proffers and apology. But if she can’t even look at her son’s neuropsychological test results (which just scratch the surface of his whole being), I can’t imagine she’s going to take a close look at her own behavior, choices, and the artifacts thereof.

I’ll just have to use this book as Exhibit A in What Not To Do When You Write About Autistic People. And use it as a reference for what sort of harmful mindsets really, truly need to change for people like me to be considered full human beings with a right to a full human life.

We’ve got work to do, when it comes to claiming our autistic space and dignity in the world.

That’s for sure.

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I’d be too embarrassed to admit half of that stuff

So, I’m about halfway through that to Siri with love book, and I’m looking forward to being done with it. I’ve committed to reading the whole thing, and that is exactly what I will do.

I feel like I need to just go through it quickly again and score the passages based on whether they’re helpful or hurtful. There’s an off a lot of hurt in here, but it’s blended in with attempts at humor, along with some genuinely hopeful passages, but even some of the hopeful passages still have their downsides.

For example, take the accounts of the author interacting with ostensibly autistic kids when she was in grade school. One girl she avoided, another boy she tried to befriend, but that didn’t amount to much. And both of those accounts, I get that as a kid she was trying to do the right thing, but as an adult it still comes across a little pitying.

Having been the kind of kid that she talks about, all during grade school, it just barely begins to thaw the cockles of my heart. And whatever warmth may have sent in, quickly dissipated, in the coming pages.

There are so many really problematic passages, I don’t even know where to start. I’ll blog some more in a little bit, after I get some more reading done. Well I don’t share the sentiments a lot of people who are completely horrified by what she says, I do find it problematic enough that it does need to be addressed. And it needs to be addressed in an objective, fact-based, real world, socially contextual manner, so it’s not just about my feelings being hurt and my admittedly tender sensibilities being offended.

There’s a lot of offense in the book, but I think it’s much more productive to just let it all out in rational, logical fashion that doesn’t even hint at name-calling.

Here are some comparisons to consider when reading #ToSiriWithLove

three abstract people figures talking to each otherSo, the folks defending “To Siri With Love” are saying we shouldn’t take it so personally. We shouldn’t get all up in arms and accuse the author of supporting eugenics by wanting to keep the option to sterilize her son.

This whole thing seems so incredibly weird to me, because the complaints raised are really legitimate, but they keep getting brushed off.

It’s almost like non-autistic people don’t really think autistic people can feel, think, or experience life as fully as the next person. Or that they should…

And I have to wonder — how would people be responding, if the references to autism were replaced by references to, say, ethnic minorities, 15th Century Protestants… or (this is a very tricky one), Jews?

I grew up in a mix of environments. First, I lived in a small city that was more Black and Jewish, than it was WASP. Then my family moved to a very rural area populated by descendants of Protestant heretics who were hunted down and killed and chased all over Europe by the Inquisition and other various religious/state authority figures. Making generalizations about those groups, when I was growing up was completely off-limits. And it could get you hurt. I was in grade school during the rise of the Black Panther movement, and by god, it was so not cool to be openly racist (although many were). Plus, among the religious descendants, making light of generations of pain and suffering was a great way to be permanently ostracized.

You just didn’t do it.

And of course, it wasn’t done with Jews, either. Anti-semitism was not allowed in my home, not because we were Jewish (tho’ we have both Sephardic and Ashkenazi roots, many generations back), but because it was wrong.

So, why doesn’t that same rigor apply to autistic folks? Why is it okay for people to make generalizations about us, to laugh at us directly or behind our backs, to make clearly uninformed (er, wrong) statements about autistic capacity and character… when we’re standing . right . here? Again, it’s almost like we don’t count as people. And if you buy the whole theory of mind deficit idea, and you believe (as SBC does) that theory of mind is what makes a person “human”, the tom-deficient autistic folks don’t count as fully human.

It’s a mindset with a long, long history and plenty of precedents.

After all, being Black or Jewish or a Heretic was once seen as a genetic mark of inferiority. Just like autism is seen as a mark of developmental delay/disorder today. There are so many parallels in mindset and framing, it’s surprising that anybody with a Black or Jewish or Heretical history would even so much as dabble in the casual prejudice that dominates the public discourse about autism today — and has, for years and years.

But human nature is used to doing this sort of thing, and old habits die hard.

Especially when there’s an easy target on hand.

Are you tired of this yet?

I sure am.

Now, what to do about it…?