Yet another change of blog title – it’s an identity thing ;)

name tags with pen on tableSo, I’ve been ’round the barn (and back) with the name of this blog.

It was “Aspie Under Your Radar” for a while. A long while.

Then it was … something else that I can’t remember.

Then it was “And Now for my Next Trick”.

Now it’s “I CAN Be Autistic” — as a sort of riff on the whole She Can’t Be Autistic thing that was going ’round Twitter, way back when, with all these people coming up with reasons why Autistic women “can’t be autistic”.

Sigh.

I don’t want to get into a shouting/pissing/bitching match with everybody who has their own opinions about how Autism manifests in women / men / enbies / queerz. Everybody can (and will) have their own opinions about how sh*t goes and manifests in people. Everybody has their own experience. I’m not here to convince anyone of anything, just speak my piece and not hold my peace about things that I really am not okay with.

Just so you know, the whole venting thing appeals less and less to me, each day. Maybe I’m just too old for that sh*t. I’ve passed the 50-year mark several years ago, and time has granted me a different perspective than what I’ve had in the past. I have more perspective, in point of fact. And a lot of the stuff that used to infuriate me just kinda amuses me now.

Elvis Costello sings “Well, I used to be disgusted. Now I’m just amused…”

I hate the rest of the song (along with most of his music, sorry if you’re  a fan), but that line has come in handy tons of times, so he gets a pass.

Anyway, what’s in a name? A whole lot, actually. The name of this blog tends to set the stage for what I write about, so we’ll go with this “Yep, I’m Autistic – here’s why” theme for a while. Until I decide I’d rather do something else, of course.

That tends to happen. I’ve been around long enough to realize it’s very likely to happen again. But for the time being, I’ll just talk about my experience, and people can do what they like with it.

Advertisements

There goes my “E” key…

storm trooper stealing keyboard key
Okay, so he’s not messing with the “E” key, but this is what it feels like

Well, this is inconvenient… The “E” key on my old laptop is acting up, and I have to get it fixed. I can’t keep stopping and backing up, while I’m typing — not to mention getting all tense about whether or not the key is going to pop out when my sweaty fingers pass over it. It keeps popping out. How annoying. And I have to do something about it, because I just can’t work like this.

So… I checked out some videos online about how to change a key on my keyboard. I popped off another key and found out that the “E” key is missing two little “feet” that keep it snapped in place. All I need to do is find a replacement key, and I can fix it myself. That’s easy. eBay has plenty of old laptops for parts. Plus, there’s a computer repair place that’s on the way to my massage therapist, where I’m headed this afternoon. I’ll call them later today and see if they have any spare “E” keys for my type of laptop.

If they don’t have any, I’ll just order one from eBay and be done with it. That’s easy. It’s just a matter of which is quicker.

And in the meantime, I’ve rigged up a little piece of tape across the rogue key to keep it in place. I positioned the tape with the key fully depressed, so it doesn’t pull down the adjoining keys. It’s a stop-gap solution I wish I’d figured out weeks ago, when I started having this problem. My old laptop is really old, by laptop standards, and it’s clunky and heavy. But it’s mine, it’s paid for, and it does everything I want it to.

As long as the keys stay where they belong.

Well, that was interesting…

lightbulb with a brain inside itAnd so very validating!

I had my discussion session with some funding people I thought could provide me with some guidance about how to move forward to get one of my Big Projects funded. As in VC-funded. Venture capital. Angel investing. All that good stuff.

I’ve been leery of reaching out to funding people for quite some time. I once worked at a startup that was under constant pressure from investors to do things they didn’t want to do. But they had to, because the investors said so. In the end, nobody actually made much money other than the investors and the two guys who initially founded the place.

I didn’t want to get sucked into that sort of situation all over again. But then I got a chance to talk to these funding folks, just to pick their brains, so to speak.

In the end, what I realized is that they’re really no smarter than I am. And the things they were telling me weren’t really all that different from what I’d been thinking, myself. In fact, if anything, they were telling me a lot of stuff I already knew. So, that was validating.

And frankly, I have a more sophisticated and evolved understanding of the problems I’m trying to solve, and a much simpler way to solve them, than most of what I see out there. So… there it is.

Again, I am convinced that funding is not the way to go for me. I can quit even thinking about that stuff, and focus on just doing. Just building. Just making. That’s all.

Next…

Up early – and rewarded for it

interlocking cubesWell, I have LOTS going on, these days. I’ve got a couple businesses in development (because why have just one?). I have a meeting with some money folks on Thursday to walk them through one of my businesses, and explain to them why it makes sense for others to team up with me on the idea. It’s not a startup, per se, since startups are typified by not knowing exactly where you fit in the grand scheme of things, and spending tons of money, trying to figure that out.

My business idea is very clear, it is targeted to a widespread, expensive problem, and I know exactly how to plug it in all across the board, to fix that pernicious issue. So, where’s the objection to them getting on board? That, we shall see.

Anyway, I was up early this morning, getting to work online a couple of hours before I usually do. I was supposed to do some work over the weekend, but of course I didn’t bother, because, well, it was a bother. Plus, I had to take care of my own stuff — not the overlords’  conceits.

I mean, really, that’s what they are — conceits. The way things are run at work, it’s so inefficient and so fraught with f*ck-ups, there is no way on god’s good earth any of this is actually intended to work. It’s not about getting things done. It’s about some influential individual(s) making up for the fact that their parents didn’t treat them right and/or they got roughed up in grade school.

News flash, I endured all of the above, but I’m not running around making everyone else miserable in the process. Let the record show that it is, in fact, possible to make up for the struggles of your childhood without spreading the pain to every other living human being within your sphere of influence.

There, that’s my public service for the day. Take note. And do better.

Anyway, I got my f*cking slides done this morning – got the monster one put together, and updated the other six presentations I had to update for my weekly “what’s wrong now” status call.

And then I put it down and walked away. And got to work on my own stuff. Optimized my one site (got it up to a 95% on Google Page Speed Insights, which was no small feat for that clunker), cloned it to make another, updated the new site with new logo and colors and all that, and now I’m delving into domain transfers between multiple providers, with the added wrinkle of domain privacy being purchased that now apparently obscures all my contact details, which are required to transfer the domain.

Fun!

Oh, and I just remembered that I need to do something pretty critical in the next hour and 10 minutes. It will only take me 10 minutes to complete it, but I hate having things like this “sneak up on me” on a Monday morning.

Well, anyway, at least I got those slides done. I started around 6 and finished up before 9, so I got my hours in, first thing.  And now I sit around and wait for people to tell me “That’s not right! You did it wrong!” because they never offered any guidance for what they were looking for, in the first place.

Seriously, I have such a hard time “reading” these people, sometimes. The things they want me to do seem so nonsensical, the areas they want me to focus on seem so counter-productive, and the activities they delegate… well, clicking little checkboxes to assign meta data to uploaded files is not the sort of thing you ask someone with 25+ years of heavy-duty tech experience to do. I hate to be a diva about it, but seriously?! We can’t come up with a system that will assign those values for us?!

But I digress.

The most exciting thing about my life, these days, is that my boss has hired someone he really likes who is probably flagged as my replacement. So exciting!!! I have been hanging in there, because there hasn’t been anyone else to pick up the slack for what I’ve been doing, and I’m not going to leave them in a lurch. People who work with me know I’ve been dissatisfied and bent out of shape for years, now, and honestly, how much can you expect one person to take? Especially when they’re (I’m) being systematically erased and made redundant by politically connected people at HQ who keep carving off the things I do, saying “Oh, we’ve got that covered” … when clearly, they don’t, because they screw up everything they touch.

I think my boss has known I was on my way out the door — one foot out, even as we speak. I’ve been less and less intense about my work, from day to day, and I’ve been less and less engaged. I mean, the engagement thing and the intensity thing would be on the wane, even if I were planning to stay forever, because there is SO MUCH WORK, and I burned out at least a year ago (maybe longer back). I have to pace myself, not to mention budget my indignation. I’ve been bent out of shape over these people for far too long.

And I need my energy for other things than outrage. Especially when the outrage produces no results, whatsoever.

Well, anyway, I’ve been contacted by a number of recruiters, over the past weeks. And I’ve got this meeting coming up on Thursday about this potential opportunity. Plus, I’ve got other businesses in the works, I just need to finalize the applications, and then start making calls to get people on board and make some sales. That’s the hardest part, of course, but what I can’t lose sight of is that I build good sh*t, and it can — and will — make people’s lives better in the process.

So, whatever is happening in the background of my life, it’s just there… and I know for a fact that everything changes and it gets better in some ways and worse in others. That’s just how it goes. No situation is 100% perfect, and as much as that galls me, I just need to deal with it. Make the most of my opportunities where they arise, and all that.

And take advantage of those crappy times to make better times out of them. Like me having to get to work 3 hours ahead of schedule, and getting stuff done to clear the way to do my own thing. It’s the exact opposite of what I prefer, but sometimes I can make it work.

As long as I’m not expected to make it work, every single day.

That’s just tiring.

I can almost think again

Stack of papers with bent edges protruding from the pile
There are about 20 of these in my study – at least, there were until a few hours ago

I’m cleaning out my study. At last. It’s been kind of a “null zone” for years, now, as I’ve moved my operations, like writing and blogging and coding, to the dining room, where the wireless signal is stronger.

I work from home a lot, these days. More than I’m in the office. It’s good, but that means I have to set up shop at home. And that means, I’ve taken over the dining room as my “office”. The wireless signal is stronger. And frankly, it’s often easier for me to think in the dining room, where I’m not surrounded by my books.

Being surrounded by books has its advantages, and disadvantages. Biggest disadvantage is the distraction. I have a lot of books. Covering many different topics. Neurology. Survival skills. Occupational rehabilitation. Philosophy (particularly phenomenology). Simone Weil. Autism. Stoicism. Samurais and Zazen. Art. Finance. History. 12th Century Renaissance in the South of France. German dictionaries for all occasions. You know, the usual assortment of deep and varied interests that someone like me would have.

The other thing that my upstairs study is full of is mementos. Like a LOT of mementos. Little figurines. Matchbox cars. Mugs and ornaments and odds and ends that I picked up along the way that have significance for me. Being in my upstairs study can be quite… consuming. So, when I need to block everything else out, I take myself down to the dining room, where I’ve spread out all my papers and notebooks on the table, and I work there. It’s fine. It’s also closer to the kitchen, which comes in handy when I’m hungry or thirsty.

But now I need to get back to my study. Because that’s where I think. The dining room is fine for working-working-working, but when I need to really sink into a line of thought and let it consume me, my study is where that happens.

And it’s been a long time since that took place.

Honestly, I’ve been so slammed, for the past year, working on a number of projects, that I haven’t taken much time out to just settle in and let it all sink in. I’m making huge strides, it’s true. And I’ve come up with some pretty cool stuff. But at some point, I need to stop, take stock, assess, and really dig into who I am, what matters to me, what I actually think about things… versus staying in that the constant current of GO-GO-GO.

There needs to be a balance. That’s for sure.

So, I’ve been cleaning out my study. I won’t post pictures of it, because it’s still a little Muench-scream-inspiring. But it’s getting there. At least now I can sit down on the chair at my desk and actually have room to write on the desktop.

Three hours ago, it wasn’t like that at all.

Progress.

One thing at a time.  One pile at a time.

Progress.

Till I can think again.

Another post… because, Why Not?

Oh, I’m on a roll today. Two posts in the space of 24 hours. So prolific! 😉

I’ve had a pretty good day, sorting through a lot of questions I have about my future, thinking through the job opportunities ahead of me (I’m in the running for two very different positions), and mapping out my future path in ways that actually work for me.

Huh, it’s funny… as much as I hear people talking about Autistic people being under-employed, I’ve had the opposite issue. I can’t seem to get away from being over-employed. I have my day job, my weekly 9-to-5, and then I have all my other activities, which I suppose are kind of like very complex stims that help soothe me by redirecting all the energy (anxiety?) I have in overabundance.

Don’t get me wrong – working in the neurotypical world is really horrible, on a regular basis. I just can’t stand it, half most of the time. And yet, I’ve built up sort of psychic callouses towards it, and all the awfulness just seems like business as usual, which I try to ignore, as I’m putting fuel in my car, food on the table, and money in my bank’s mortgage account.

It’s the price of membership. It stings and it takes a toll, but there it is.

Anyway, fun stuff happening at the same time that all this intensity is going on. Additional projects — fun, fun, fun! — that are helping to re-route the overabundant energy from my system into the ethers around me. I’m collaborating with some members of a little autistic online tribe on a blog we’re just starting. I won’t say more, because I’m not sure how we want to play it or promote it, but keep an eye out for it, ’cause it’s gonna be fun!

Had I mentioned… fun?

🙂

Well, that’s enough for one day. Time for supper. Yes, it’s 9:00 p.m. I’m doing my European thing today.

 

 

Everyday I am up and working

Each and every day, I’m up and working. For others, for myself. Especially on weekends, when I have full days to myself. And my work.

Some people warn against ending up on your deathbed, regretting working too much.

My regrets will be more about not having worked enough. All the hours I frittered away, “playing” or “relaxing”, when I could have been working towards making substantive changes in my life. Those are hours and days and weeks and months I’ll never get back.

Everybody has their ways. My way is work. And I love it. It changes the world around me and it changes the world within me.

And how I do love that kind of change.

Peopling – It’s (all) a learned thing

turkeysThere’s a lot going on with me, these days.

I’m in the process of looking for another job. Ideally, I’ll find a recurring contract situation that pays really good money and is low-commitment, which lets me bail on the 9-5 every 3-6 months or so, then get back in the swing of things (if I need to).

I’m also working on a couple of other businesses at the same time. They’re mine. One of them has been many years in the making. The other is about a year old. The other (which actually has the most $$$ potential for each individual transaction), I just started a few months ago, and it’s going pretty well.

Meanwhile, my partner is not doing well, cognitively, emotionally, and physically. No matter how supportive I am, she continuously makes decisions that erode her well-being. It’s complicated. Long story short, it’s not fun watching the love of your life decline before your very eyes.

Anyway, one area where I need to make some real progress is in how I deal with people. I notice, more and more, that I’m really getting more autistic as time passes. I think it has to do with how much more sensitive I keep getting. It’s like, every year I get more “cued-in” to what’s going on around me, and my sensory issues keep getting more heightened, as well as more intrusive.

So I need to acquire some new skills – particularly with negotiation.

Here’s the thing: I can be terrible with figuring people out. I mean, seriously. Some days, I can’t tell whether they love me or hate me, I can’t tell if they’re listening to me or ignoring me. I can’t tell whether I’m doing a great job in the interaction, or they’re just trying to get away from me.

Here’s the other thing:  Some days I can be 100% ON, when it comes to interacting with people. They respond to me, they love me, they feel a kinship with me.

But even when I’m ON, I have a really hard time reading the situation and knowing where to go next.

My Solution? To train myself in the appropriate process to interact with people and negotiate any human interaction.

If you think about it, pretty much every human interaction is a negotiation. People want things. They want things from me, they want things from you, they want things for themselves. And their interactions are geared to get those needs met.

My partner is a classic case of that. One of the reasons she’s so difficult to support, is that she gets very histrionic about her challenges and she “amps them up” for effect, to prompt pity and help from people around her… so they’ll help her do things that she really needs to do for herself.

In front of other people, she makes a big show of how hard it is for her to do things. There’s much groaning and moaning and displays of difficulty. And everyone runs to her assistance to help her do things she needs to keep doing for herself, in order to stay strong and healthy.

But when nobody is watching, she does those same things for herself. She gets herself out of bed. She makes her coffee and toast. She moves around the house. She takes care of things. It’s completely different from when someone is nearby. Then, she appears to be almost completely disabled.

That’s an extreme example, of course. Not everyone is as histrionic as she is, nor do they manipulate others to that extent (and to their own detriment). But you know what I mean. Probably. Everybody wants something from interactions. Especially neurotypicals.

So, I need to get educated about how to manage that. Because my life isn’t getting any easier, and I need extra skills to A) negotiate a job change, B) expand my existing businesses, and C) really work out how to just deal with people effectively.

I need a script. I need a road map. And I’ve been watching YouTube videos about how to put together that road map. As artificial as it sounds, I keep hearing that you can script out your interactions and follow a process to lead people down a certain path of interaction. It sounds a little “Pied Piper”-ish, but apparently, people like to follow others’ leads, so I need to put myself in a leadership position when I deal with others.

It sounds a little tiring. But I’ve actually gotten in the habit of doing that, since just “winging it” with other people is so fraught for me, and it’s way too anxiety-producing. What I do is immediately take the lead in pretty much all my interactions – I talk to people first, I comment on things, I put ideas out there, I step into the void of silence and uncertainty between us, and I give them something to react to. And then I keep leading them into that void, giving them the chance to respond safely. They don’t have to come up with anything novel, themselves. They just have to react to what I’ve put out there.

And it works. For us all.

My technique is a little clunky, however, so I need to fine-tune it. That’s what I’m doing, watching videos about establishing rapport, negotiation, sales and prospecting processes… basically learning what I need, to be more comfortable in my own skin. I’m actually finding sales training videos to be very helpful, because they are about establishing rapport and bringing people over to your side.

So, that’s what I’m doing. Training myself to do the people thing. I’ve learned to do so many other things in my life, that are extremely challenging and daunting for most people. With the proper training, I should be able to learn this peopleing stuff, too.

Nobody knows about everything I’m dealing with, and that’s fine with me

Foggy view of a valleyI won’t bore you with the details (as much as you’d probably like to hear them in all their glory).

Suffice it to say, I’ve got a lot going on, and it’s unbelievably burdensome. Some days, I can’t believe I’m still upright.

And yet, I am. I keep going. I look for the positives. I remember my responsibilities. I don’t always handle things as well as I should, but I handle them.

And I don’t talk about it. I share with a few autistic friends I connect with online. I tell other people I know little bits, here and there, if I think they can help (I usually don’t).

One of the reasons I don’t tell people about everything I have going on, is that they’ll think I can’t handle it. They’ll think I can’t do my job. Or they’ll think I can’t keep up. I don’t feel like being limited by other people’s limitations of imagination and capacity.

Another reason is that I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. That’s the worst. Pity is poison to me. It kills the spirit and weakens the body. How will that help me? It won’t.

I also don’t want them reaching out to support me, because then I need to interact with them. Explain things to them. Get bogged down in their mirror neuron drama. Have to navigate their insecurities and neediness around my challenges – which they magically make into their own.

Another reason I don’t share is that the things I’m dealing with are Lots Of Big Things, any of which by themselves would overwhelm the average person. I don’t feel like being bogged down in other people’s protests that “It’s too much!” It is a lot, but other people trying to convince me that it’s all too much for me to handle just blocks me from handling it. So, why would I mention the full gamut of what I have going on?

But most of all, I don’t get into what I’ve got going on, because that distracts me from dealing with it all. My thought process is non-verbal and very visual. If I have to translate what I’m experiencing into words, it block me from accessing my most effective, inherent traits that can actually handle what’s coming at me. Talking usually makes everything worse.

So, I choose not to. And I just get on with the business of handling everything.

The benefits of extreme difficulty

antique phoneQuick post for today, before I gear up for the four-day family reunion extravaganza.

And no, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not looking forward to it at all. My family is overwhelming. My parents are both on the spectrum, and my mother is hyposensitive, which means everything has to be loud and over the top for her to perceive it. So, EVERYTHING IS LOUD AND OVER THE TOP.

Which is painful, to say the least.

But I digress. This post is really about how I’ve developed some pretty impressive telephone skills, over the past several years. My job has devolved from hands-on, direct involvement in What Gets Done, to sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone screw everything up, and then being helpless to change the course of things. All I can really do is observe and then report. Which is maddening for me. I need to be hands-on, not pushed to the side. Plus, when I see people making terrible mistakes with their choices, I can’t just sit by and watch. I need to do something. Say something. But my input gets pushed aside, so…

I’m looking for a new job.

One of the things I’ve done more, for the past 3 years, than I’ve probably ever done before, is talk on the phone. Now, mind you, I have auditory processing issues, and it’s really hard for me to do phone conversations. But for years (especially the past year), I’ve spent anywhere from 6-10 hours in a day… guess what … talking on the phone. Listening. Trying to follow. Having that be my only connection to my colleagues, who are halfway across the country.

Augh! It’s been horrible.

So painful.

On the other hand, it’s been very helpful in training me to do well on the phone.  I mean… really well.

Funny, how that goes. When I don’t get something, I really don’t get it. But once I figure it out, and I come up with my own system and techniques, I can be really, really good. As in, second to none.

As it turns out, working the phones is now that sort of thing for me.

Everyday, a new adventure…