I’ve been feeding the beast of exigency for about a year, now… watching it just lie there and breathe fire at random intervals… learning its patterns… learning my own patterns.
I now know how to rest myself enough to keep going, even though my baseline is exhausted.
I now know how to systematize all the shit I have to do to keep my partner alive and keep myself breathing, too.
I now know how to get the doctor’s attention, so she doesn’t keep killing my partner.
I now know how to get food in the house, take the trash to the dump, and satisfy the basic needs I’ve identified as essential, all while dealing with someone’s constant, continous, every-5-minutes-need-something-new rolling demands.
I know how to feed that beast.
Now it’s time to feed a new one – the beast that’s not just about survival, but about being brutally decisive about What Matters and What’s Not Worth A Moment’s Thought. The beast that knows how to protect itself from a whole wide range of bullshit and keep going, oblivious to the follies of others. The beast that knows about the most critical parts of life and knows how to keep them close, so others can’t step in and ruin them – as they love to do.
Jealous. People are jealous. They covet. And the love to kill what they can’t control. Fuck ’em.
I’m feeding my beast that knows how to fend off those fuckers and let me get on with my life.