Getting past maintaining

programming code with speed streaksWell, it’s been an interesting bunch of months. It’s all been a blur, to be quite honest. In fact, it’s been a lonnnnng blur, as my day job has consumed so much of my attention and wreaked havoc on my peace of mind, and about six months ago, I came to the conclusion that the line of work that I used to love so much, is no longer a welcome place for me.

It’s been overrun by wanna-be pretenders who are just in it for the money. They posture and make a good show of knowing what they ‘re doing. But they don’t. And since the People In Charge believe their con-artist act (and they appear to be cheaper than actual performers like me), there’s no chance they’re ever going to step back and be replaced by people who actually do know what they’re doing.

Yeah, that’s just how things are. And if I think it’s going to change, I’ve got another thing coming.

So, I’m letting it go. My day job is just a way to pay the bills, while I focus on my other ventures which are mine, all mine, and are a true reflection of what I do and what I’m capable of.

And that’s fine. Because I really need to do my own thing in ways that actually make sense for me. I need to invent. I need to build. I need to innovate… and do it with sound principles that actually work, rather than just going with flashy bells and whistles that don’t actually do the job.

I’ve got a ton of great skills from over 20 years of doing what I do, and I trust my judgment implicitly in this regard. So there.

Which means I get to just concentrate on what I want to do, how I want to do it, and what good it will do for the world. And I get to do it at my own pace, in my own way, and based on logic, rather than flash and glitz.

Which is why I really haven’t been around this blog very much. I’m building out technology that makes sense to me. I’m coming up with solutions to common problems, and I’m developing stuff in ways that I think they should be developed, rather than what’s considered hot and nifty by the prevailing sensibilities (if you can call them that).

I get to be logical. I don’t have to follow the herd. I can actually think creatively and practically. I can be pragmatic, and nobody’s going to penalize me for it. I can learn and study and apply what I’ve learned in amazing ways. I can see the results of my work right in front of me — right there, right now, right as rain (as they say).

And if I’m wrong about something, my computer will tell me that. The code will fail. The application will hiccup — or barf. Then I’ll go back and try again. And keep going until I get it right. Sometimes it takes me days and weeks and months to solve a problem. But if I still with it, I solve it. I see the solution right there.  Right now. Right as rain (as they say). And I move on to the next thing.

And this gets me past just maintaining. It gets me past the old way of just slogging through the day-to-day, hoping and praying for a break. Everything has been so awful for such a long time at work. I haven’t wanted to dwell on it, because if there’s nothing to be done, there’s no reason for me to wail and gnash my teeth about it. That’s just not a great use of time. I’ve downplayed how wretched my work situation is, choosing to not even mention so much to my partner or others. It would totally alarm people to know how desperate and despairing I’ve been over the past three years — especially the past two years — so why go into it? I’ve just needed to endure. Just get through it, and trust that something will change, if I keep working diligently behind the scenes.

A lot of the stuff I’ve done in the off hours has been to get some relief from the awfulness of before. I just needed a break. So, I really plunged into a lot of special topics and areas of intense focus. The whole reason for doing them was to relieve my pain, not create something that would elevate me. It was all about maintaining. Keeping my sanity in the midst of the mediocrity and madness (and I’m literally talking about madness, here, not a euphemism or hyperbole — it really has been mad, in the sense of being severely mentally ill, delusional, etc.). I’m not sure which is worse — mediocrity or madness. On any given day, it’s a toss-up.

That’s how it’s been before, anyway.

But now I don’t need a break from my day job anymore. I now have so much else in my life that’s actually mine, that nobody can take from me. I guess pursuing all my projects is a little like having kids — they’re my creations that I can tend and “raise”, and they become something other, something different… changing me in the process, as well. Obviously, they’re not exactly like having kids, as I’ve been reminded by flesh-and-blood mothers who resented that I’d ever compare myself to them. Hm. OK. Whatevs.

I do feel very strongly connected to all my applications, however. After all, they’re literally keeping me alive in some very important ways. They keep my mind alive. They restore my spirit. They bring me back to a place of flow and insight. They’re vital to my very survival. And I’m not exaggerating.

My partner was asking me the other day, why I’m so consumed by my coding. I told her (in so many words), “Because it’s actually logical. I spend all day, every work day, being told that things can’t be done (mainly because the people doing the work don’t have the skill or vision to do it), and it’s maddening. But when I do my own work, I actually see something take shape. And I prove to myself that, yes, that can be done. For real. At work, I have no control over what others do. But in my own coding, I can influence what happens. I actually get to decide what happens. And I get to decide for the right reasons, not because of some lame-ass political motivation.”

I think she understood. Whether she does or not, is immaterial. She likes to read books, and she spends many long hours in bed reading (which isn’t all that healthy, to tell the truth). As for me, I’m up early, every day, thinking about my coding. And my “escape” is actually an act of creating something new for the world, making things, bringing stuff into existence that never existed before.

With that being said, it’s time to get back to work and code some more. I have my work cut out for me. And it’s good. I’m not just maintaining anymore… hanging on for dear life, as the field of work I love is overrun by incompetence. I’m doing my own thing, and that’s pretty cool.

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Now that the dust is settling

red balls inside chrome boxesIt’s been a few months, since I blogged here. So, I guess I’m due. I’ve been really busy on a handful of personal projects that have really taken off. Some of them have good potential to do others some good. And that’s great. Of course, it takes a very different skillset to market and sell things, versus designing and building them.

I’m in the process of looking for folks who can help me with the former — the people stuff, y’know?

If I put my mind to it, I can definitely sell. The problem is, Alexithymia gets in the way, and I literally can’t tell how I’m doing on a sale. Plus, auditory processing issues keep me from hearing clearly what people are saying to me. The whole sales process is nuanced and people-centric, so while I could apply myself and learn how to do it, I tend to stay in my little comfort zone of designing, architecting, and building tools and applications. Because I can. It’s comfortable. I do it very well.

Still, it seems like it’s time to expand my skills somewhat. And get more into sales and marketing. So, I’ve been doing a bit of that new training. It’s interesting. Confusing. But I’ll figure it out.

As usual, I digress. Meandering on a Sunday morning.

I’ve been rediscovering some old passions I used to have. Languages (not English). Reading and writing in them.

I’ve also been reaching out to meet new people online, connecting with like-minded people who are learning the same new skills I am. It’s pretty cool.

And it also gets to be a little much. I’m far more comfortable being non-verbal and coding away, building applications, testing them, retesting, tweaking, etc. I can (and do) spend hours at a time focused on just that. Being in the zone. Finding Flow. Just being able to reset my mind back to its normal state, after being bombarded by people and phone calls all week.

My job, ironically, now consists almost entirely of talking to people on the phone all day, every day. It’s the last thing I have any interest in doing. Plus, many people have thick accents, and it’s hard for me to listen and understand. So, I pretty much fake my way through it and pretend I know what’s going on. I’m not sure anyone realizes just how … “simulated” … my work performance is. But that’s what it is — a performance. And it’s paying off, since I’m probably going to get a promotion.

But geezizfukkinchrist, it’s so depleting. Yeah, I need a new job. But I’m so exhausted from just trying to maintain, who has the energy to go out and stir up something new? Plus, how will I know it’s not even worse somewhere else?

Well, I don’t need to figure that all out right now. I get my bonus at the end of March, and after that I can start thinking about other things to do with my life.

In the meantime, I’m just coding away, having fun with it, and reading non-English works by people who think very differently from the mainstream.