Well, this is good. The snow has finally melted, the weather’s warm, and I’ve got a renewed spark in my life. March was a beast, I have to say. It really drained me, what with all the snow and all the logistics.
But now it’s April. It’s really, truly Spring, and I’ve got a boost of energy coming into this month.
Yeah, I know it’s Autism Bewareness Month. That’s not my favorite thing. But it’s also not the only part of my life. Autism is big, of course. It’s a defining feature of my overall makeup. But other people’s confusion about what Autism is (or isn’t), is not high on my list of Fix It priorities, this month.
I’m much less interested, right now, in adjusting other people’s messed-up conceptions, than I am in creating the kind of world I actually want to live in. For all the talk about Autism and suicide (and I’ve walked that fine line with my own ideations, over the years), I’m not hearing as much talk about Autistic people creating the kind of world we want to live in.
Yep, it’s easier to critique others’ work. Others’ world machinations. Others’ philosophies and approaches.
And I’m happy to do it, myself, now and then.
But the way I’m feeling these days, I’d much rather funnel my energies into doing things Right, instead of constantly bemoaning (which is what can I do so well) when things are done Wrong.
That being said, yeah… my writing and publishing is coming back online. I’ve had a really rough several years at my current job. And I’ve tried to get out a bunch of times. I’ve interviewed, talked to recruiters, and I even had a job offer, at the end of last year. But I stayed put, for some reason. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave — mainly because the shiny new job had little to no opportunity to work from home, which is something that I absolutely, positively cannot countenance.
I need to be able to work from home whenever I need to. I need to be able to relax, not be constantly interrupted by environmental intrusions, and I need to lie down and sleep, now and then, when it gets to be too much. I’m still able to keep on track with my tasks list. In fact, I’m even better able to, when I’m home, because it’s so much less stressful than being in the office. I can actually think when I’m at home. Imagine that… Get into the flow… Settle into the work… Get stuff done. Magic.
The other reason I won’t work for a company that doesn’t let people work from home (because they say people abuse it), is because if your people aren’t fully engaged and loving what they do, then something is wrong with your culture. And dragging them into the office to do your bidding isn’t going to make them any happier. It’s a hostage situation, and I’m not doing that anymore.
Hm… I think I’ve digressed. Where was I…?
Oh yes! Getting back into the flow.
My writing. My publishing. Digging out all my old writings and putting them out there. I’ve got a bunch of writing that’s languished, over the past years. Books I’ve started. Books I’ve even published (under the name Loren Stone). I’ve published a handful of lesbian novels – erotic and otherwise – and I’m working on more. I just had an idea for another book that also brings in the Autism theme, and I like it. I like it a lot.
Of course, I’ve got to get organized. I’ve got manuscripts in various states of completion in a bunch of places. Pieces built on other pieces. And then I get inspired and another piece comes up. I’ve got poetry, too. Lots of it. Stashed. In several manilla folders in the file drawer to my left. Holy smokes, I’ve got so much work in progress, it’s wild.
Of course, I get down on myself, because I haven’t “done anything with it”. I haven’t kept my Patreon up to date. I haven’t even kept my Lore Stone blog up to date. I’ve been intermittent and noncommittal at times. And I’ve toyed with the idea of just dropping it all and walking away, when it felt like Too Much.
But that’s just my Autistic self looking out for itself. I have to watch my energy expenditure, and I’ve got so much going on in my life, I have to make choices. Drop some things when they’re not working anymore. Back off on certain objects of intense focus when my inner resources are spread too thin. Follow the change of the seasons. And just be realistic about what I can — and cannot — do, when everything (and I mean Everything) gets to be too much.
So, I’m cutting myself a break. I’m getting out of the business of planning everything out so, so carefully. I’m a program planner by day for my professional job, and it pays the bills. But when I’m left to my own devices, I really just want to flow. Let it all go where it will. Let myself go where I will.
And that’s what I’m doing, right now. I may change my mind in a couple of days, but right here, right now, I’m cutting myself a break and letting myself off the proverbial leash. I’ve got too much writing waiting in the wings to get all “planny” about it. This stuff has to flow.
Just like me.
It’s all gotta just flow.