Something must be up in the world… but I wouldn’t know.

Wow – people are on a tear tonight.

All kinds of feisty, racing around, slamming into each other… the cops are out en force, and I’ve seen plenty of people pulled over, sometimes with lots of extra emergency vehicles around them.

Traffic on the way home was crazy tonight, with people flying all up in each others’ tail-lights, beeping, roaring… you name it. And this is even more than usual.

Something must be up in the world.

But you know what? It’s been 2 days since I looked at the news, and I have no idea what bees might be in their bonnets. Nor do I care. I mean, I care, but not so much that I’m willing to sacrifice my own well-being for others.

And I realize, that’s what I’ve been doing, lo, these many years that I’ve been paying attention to what other people do in the public arena. What a poor use of time. It’s useful to keep in touch with who votes in my favor, and it’s a good idea to participate in positive change. But all this other… crap that’s all over the news… yeah, it just doesn’t make sense to follow any of it.

Especially when nothing really seems to change much, even after all the upheaval and drama. There are so many other more constructive uses for my time and energy, than “following” the antics of people who are all into the drama for drama’s sake.

Me? I want to actually accomplish something.

So, I do. I’ve been reading a lot, lately. Spending far less time online. Chillin’. And it’s good.

Have a lovely evening — or day, if you’re reading this in the morning.

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The “weather” is going to s*ck – I’ll need to “dress” accordingly

I’m not looking forward to this next week. Not in the least. I have a busy weekend, and then I fully expect the sh*t to hit the fan at work, next week, when we launch into all sorts of political squabbling and jockeying for position.

I get tired just thinking about it. But it’s pretty much a given that it’s going to be a rough week, so I’ll just have to prepare accordingly.

It’s just like dressing for the weather if I have to go to sea. If there’s a storm brewing on the horizon, I don’t throw myself down in a heap and wail and gnash my teeth. I get my raincoat and rain boots, I plan my route in the boat, and I go about my business, getting wet and cold and miserable in the process, but drying out later.

When you have to go to sea, you have to go to sea.

Same with this coming week. I know it’s going to be a rough ride, so — unequivocally — I need to:

• Get my proper rest — nap when I can.
• Eat well. No bingeing on carbs and sugar. Stick with the solid nutrition that keeps me going with good quality energy.
• Get decent exercise and movement. I’m going to be sitting for long hours, hunched over my computer, so I need to get up and move around. Maybe even move the computer to a location where I can stand while I look at it. Yeah, I’ll do that.

I’ve been in a lot of pain, lately. I messed up my back a few years ago while moving snow, and I keep re-injuring it. It will get better for a while, then I’ll do something that screws it up again.

I have a whole protocol for getting it back in shape, involving

• stretching different parts of my body,
• posture adjustment,
• Advil,
• avoiding sugar,
• drinking lots of water,
• movement,
• exercises,
• rolling on tennis balls, and
• regular movement.

If I skimp on any of these, I have only myself to blame for my pain. And it’s strange, how quickly and easily I forget that. I can get so caught up in the pain that I forget. Until I don’t.

This coming week isn’t going to make things any easier, that’s for sure. Stress and non-stop work keep me locked up. So, I have to really push myself to get past it. Do what I can for myself, when I can. Be my own best friend. Is anybody else going to do it for me? Nope. I’ve gotta do it myself. So, I do.

Another day in the life.

Okay, time to head out to sea…

Social Incompatibility: Yet another thing that’s not true about this #Autistic individual

Supposedly, because I’m Autistic, I’m incapable of interacting with non-autistic people the way they want me to.

Untrue. I wish it were true, some days. ‘Cause all the interacting with neurotypical people just gets so exhausting. I’m bone tired, starting around 10:30 a.m., every single day I have to go out into the NT world. And I just get more tired, throughout the course of each day. The nonsensical decision making and priorities are just so wearing…

But what’s an Autie to do? I’ve gotta make a living, and that means I have to get out in the thick of things, figure out how to navigate it all, and just get on with my life.

I also need to interact with other people on a regular basis. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if I don’t get out and interact with the world every few days or so, my thought process starts to get pretty “out there”. I get a little suspicious and paranoid, actually. And my mind starts telling me all sorts of things that aren’t entirely true. I need people around (in person, not just online) to provide details I’m overlooking in my very rigid thinking. I need them to keep me grounded.

It helps me.

But it’s not easy. Oh, no. It’s not easy at all. I mean, I’ve figured out some tips and tricks and whole lotta hacks that will get me through social interactions without offending everyone in sight and pissing off people who misunderstand me. But it doesn’t come naturally to me.

And therein lies the “rub”, as they say.

Because my hacks work. My clandestine stimming, concentrating on a place on someone’s face that isn’t their eyes, nodding periodically, using a finely tuned prosody and cadence to my speech… it’s all very effective. It’s attractive, even. Which means people want to interact with me. They love to interact with me. They seek me out. They come looking for me at work. They look me up online. They ping me on social media. They hang out with me at the 2 parties I go to, each year. They say they want to see more of me. They invite me to their homes. They invite me to events. They want me around, and they love my company, because I can offer them something they can’t get anywhere else — compassion, empathy, focus on them as the center of my world when I’m with them, interesting trivia (yep, got lots of that), laughter, relaxation, acceptance.

People love me. They can’t get enough of me.

In the words of the Talking Heads, “My god. What have I done?”

It seemed like a good idea, to develop all these coping mechanisms over the years. And they have all helped me to get good jobs and keep them and provide for my household at a level that most Autism researchers would probably declare impossible for someone “with my impairments”. But it comes at a cost. It all comes at a cost.

And that cost is exhaustion.

Well, fortunately, I’ve figured out some ways to get through, even if I am worn down to the bone. I keep going. I focus on the task at hand. I amuse myself periodically throughout the course of each day. And I have my early mornings to myself, as well as part of my evenings. I manage to wedge in things I really love, here and there, punctuating the interminable slog that is my life in the non-autistic world with moments of sheer bliss.

So, that’s something.

And it makes the rest of my life possible. Which is good. Because nothing truly worthwhile comes easy, I believe. And I can’t expect the rest of the world to accommodate me. Other people have their own problems, and my challenges are not even on their radar. If I want to keep a job, stay out of jail, keep a roof over my head, keep the cars in the garage, save money for emergencies… basically, have an adult life, I have to make choices and sacrifices. That’s how the whole adulting things goes, and our current climate of hyper-customization and convenience and being catered to and accommodated at every turn is not helping people cope with the inevitable challenges of just living a responsible and rewarding life.

Life as I experience it is a series of challenges which involve to varying degrees a regular influx of frustration, pain, anguish, sadness, disappointment, disillusionment, betrayal… you name it. But that’s how it goes. And if I want to have the life I need to have, I’ve got to figure out how to manage it all.

Which I do. Including the social stuff.

That being said, I have to get myself ready for work. I’m going in to the office today, after being home yesterday (I had nonstop meetings on the phone from 8:30 – 4:30, which is its own particular brand of misery for me). I’m going to be around people who are unrealistic, insecure, demanding, politically devious, clueless, and socially needy. That’s the deal. And I voluntarily engage with these people, learning tons about myself in the process, and making a living at it, too.

I’m not a fan of it all. But they love me.

So, that’s something.

Do #Autistic people *have* to die earlier than non-autistic folks?

Yesterday I came across a really thought-provoking piece by Sarah Kurchak, I’m autistic. I just turned 36 — the average age when people like me die.

The stress of living with autism is exhausting.

On March 21, 2017, CNN published an article on a new study from the American Journal of Public Health that found the average life span of an autistic person is 36 years. I wasn’t shocked by this news. I know how dire things can be for so many of us on the spectrum, but that number struck me for a very specific reason. I had just turned 35 the previous month.

Since I learned this news, I’ve been anticipating the milestone of turning 36 with a mix of confusion, dread, and a host of other feelings I can’t quite articulate. I’ve had more existential episodes than usual, brooding about the meaning of life. It’s been a lot like a midlife crisis — except that (I kept thinking) my own midlife might have happened as long as half my life ago. The average age of death for autistic people who live to adulthood might be older than 36 (and as of now, there is still no age-specific data). Still, the figure from the research journal haunted me.

At some point between that moment and now, I made a pair of promises to myself:

1. I had to make it to 36.

2. Once I did, I needed to do something to mark this morbid accomplishment — perhaps writing something to help the next generation of autists approach their own birthdays just a little easier.

{Read the full article here}

And while I’m really glad that she wrote it, it signals a number of massive gaps that I really feel we need to address — and that I, as a 52-year-old Autistic woman who grew up around many, many, other Autistic people and relatives, many of whom lived to a very advanced age (try 103… my uber-Autistic college professor grandfather lived out his days with joy and purpose). And their quality of life was not shit (sorry Grandpa, I had to swear).

Frankly, it kind of depresses me that all the news coming out about us is bad. And it also depresses me to think about how many truly useful hours we spend trying to fix shit that’s just plain wrong, instead of living our lives to our best, enjoying ourselves, finding purpose and meaning, and having the kind of superlative quality we can have.

Yeah, living Autistic in today’s world is no picnic. Seriously, it’s incredibly stressful and defeating at times. The problem, from where I’m standing, is not that things in general are not to our liking, but that we expect them to be… and when they’re not, we’re caught off-guard.

This is a problem. For everyone. But mostly for us. Yes, the world is failing us. The rest of the world is neglecting to shield us from neurotypical aggression and unrealistic non-autistic expectations. People are mean-spirited and cruel. There’s a lot of pain, and too many people are more than happy to pass their pain along to others — especially if we seem weaker or more vulnerable than they.

But guess what? That’s the deal. That’s how people are. This is not news. And just as you wouldn’t necessarily light candles and hold a vigil for someone who saw all the warning signs around a tar pit, ignored the calls of others to stay out, crawled over a fence, and proceeded to wade into the muck and sink into it to their death… I’m not altogether inclined to weep bitter tears for people who are clearly able to see what’s what in the world, but keep pushing for things to be other than what they are.

Maybe I’m old and cynical, but the world can be a brutal place. So, we need to gird ourselves. And we need to spend far less time trying to change others… while we spend a whole lot more time on setting ourselves up for success. Seriously, the world is so full of amazing wonder and joy for Autistic folks — far more than for neurotypicals. We’re wired for joy, and we should bask in that as much as humanly possible

One of the most painful experiences in life is clinging to unrealistic expectations and non adjusting accordingly. I’ve done it plenty of times, myself, and yeah — it’s excruciating.

At the same time, one of the most wonderfully liberating things, is to accept things for what they are, and just get on with living your life, always working towards changing what you can — and understanding the difference between what can and cannot be changed.

To whit: My job situation.

I mean, it just sucks. It seemed like a good idea, when I first got it, and by many accounts I have done very well in it. But Autistically speaking, it’s a total setup. It’s not at all suited to my Autistic personality. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, and it requires that I be able to read other people and interact politically, communicate regularly, navigate social situations, and be on the phone with people on the other side of the world several times a day. How horrible! I haven’t bitched and complained about it as much as I could have over the past couple of years, but I’ve been suffering intensely from it.

And yet, there’s something to be gained from this. It’s been a fantastic experience, all the pain notwithstanding. And I’ve learned a lot. The biggest lesson has been that this is not the job for me over the long-term, and I have to get the hell out. I’ve “taken my medicine”, as they say, and I’m getting a lot in return. Street cred. A killer addition to my resume. Connections. And the pity of strangers, when they hear where I work 😉

Ha!

So, yeah, I could wail and gnash my teeth about how “ableist” and “discriminatory” my employer is, by creating this kind of environment. No shit. They are. But that’s a terrible use of time, because all my marinating in that pain isn’t going to change anything, and even if it did change for the moment, it’s not going to alter over the long-term. So, I take what I can get, emphasize the positives, and keep plugging along.

And I use every . little . thing I learn along the way to create a world that works better for me. Because that actually is something I have control over. I cannot possibly expect the rest of the world (non-autistic as it is) to shape itself to my needs. The government is not my friend. Legislation comes and goes, lest we forget. My employer doesn’t want to know I’m Autistic to better help me — they want to know, to shield themselves from a lawsuit. Authority figures are not in the business of tending to my needs. Servant leadership is all very well and good, but the vast majority of people and entities are just struggling to survive, and the people with the most influence are often the ones who feel most exposed and vulnerable. (My rant about our generally childish and 2-dimensional 21st Century view of “power” will come in a later post.)

The world is chock full of opportunities to make more of myself than I am today. I’m taking those opportunities, as chock full of risk as they may be. I’ll wade into the pain. I’ll pay the steep price. Yep, being Autistic is incredibly stressful, if I only inhabit the non-autistic world and chafe under all its myriad restrictions. But when I allow myself to simply BE Autistic, I accommodate myself, I arrange my life in ways that work for me, and I take care of my own shit, things get a whole lot sweeter.

It’s a new year. 2018. Year of the Dog. Last month of the Western astrological calendar. I’m tired of the same-old-same-old from the past couple of years. Time to keep getting more real every day, prioritize myself, my joy, my life, and focus on what really works for me.

Read Sarah’s full article about how sucky it can be to be Autistic in the world here. It’s a good one 🙂

In search of my flow state

I’m in the process of resetting for the new year. Resetting my activities. Resetting my priorities. Resetting my activity levels. I typically do this earlier in the year, when I’m swept up in the New Year’s Resolution blitz.

But this year, I haven’t been feeling it. At all.

It’s not going nearly as well as I’d like. Work is weird. My life is weird. It’s all kind of… weird. I don’t feel like I’m fully inhabiting my own life, and I’ve been so busy with everything, lately, I haven’t had time to stim or reach a flow state for weeks… perhaps since the beginning of the year.

It’s maddening. Probably the worst thing about the way things have gone, for the past months, is the ever-increasing level of interruption in the course of each day. It’s absolutely maddening. As in, it makes me really, really mad. I have to be able to settle into extended periods of thought, in order to be effective, and my current job is preventing that on every level.

Distraction kills, and it’s doing a hack job on my performance at work, not to mention my job, overall.

Well, that’s the job, right? That’s “just how things are” in my current professional corner of the world, and anyone who can’t keep up is left in the dust. Personally, I’d be fine with being left behind. Just cut me a check and let me go. Let’s call it a day and say it was an interesting learning experience, shall we? And let’s all move on to other, better things.

But I don’t have a substantial back-up plan. I’ve been putting out feelers for work, but the kinds of work I’ve been applying for… well, it just hasn’t been a good fit. I got a job offer, a month ago, but I had to turn it down because the conditions were, well, crappy. A longer commute. Into the thick of the worst rush hour traffic in the area. Frenetic pace. Frenzied, from what I was told. In a building where they have chemicals that smell and bright lights that blind. An open work space plan. And not more money than I’m making now.

So… no. Not that.

I put in for some other jobs, and I heard back from what looked like a really good opportunity, but after I responded to them, they didn’t get back to me. I need to ping them again. There’s a good chance they took a look at my resume and realized — Hey, she doesn’t have a degree! — and, like many others, decided I “wasn’t a good fit”.

It’s a little depressing, actually.

But it’s got me thinking… About what is actually the best work for me to do. After being a web developer for 15 years, I gradually shifted into project and program management for the past 8 years or so, because it felt like the software engineering world was closing in on me and I was getting crowded out. I felt like I just couldn’t compete with all the lower cost talent with more updated skills… the people who “fit better” with organizations… or who had degrees. The project/program management space seems to be less amenable to people who literally teach themselves how to do things, than the development space. And while that didn’t hurt my prospects in the past handful of jobs I’ve had, it’s starting to feel like it’s closing in on me even more than development did.

This is about how my “career” is feeling, about now.

And indeed, the lack of flow is a huge issue. Somehow, I seem to have acquired work that I absolutely hate. Tracking other people’s activities. Communicating to everyone who needs to know about program and project status. Navigating political minefields. Battling for my territory. Making nice with people across the organization. Being interrupted every 20 minutes (or as soon as I get into a flow state). Conference calls. Lots of conference calls. With people who have thick accents and/or are on a poor phone connection. And more interruptions. Travel. Regular business travel, which doubles my workload and completely trashes my routine.

It just feels like a setup. I can do it for so long, then I am completely wiped out. Because nobody sees how much I struggle, and I can’t let on, because that would trash my career prospects like nothing else. And I can’t chance that.

The fact that I’m really good at it, is no consolation. At all.

I mean, seriously, I’m really good at it. I’m a fantastic meeting facilitator, I can communicate extremely well to people who need to know. I know how to work effectively with offshore folks (been doing it since 2002). And I can turn on a dime if the situation calls for it.

But man, oh, man, do I pay for it. In a very big way. Of course, nobody else sees how steep the price is, because they rely on me to keep doing what I’m doing, just the way they are accustomed to seeing me do it.

And seriously, this is no way to live.

I need my flow back. I need to settle into a chunk of code and just work my way through it. I need to cozy up with a tasty algorithm and just do my thang. Seriously, I do.

…

…

…

{pause to take a breath}

…

…

…

Okay, so where does that leave me? Or rather, where does that point me?

Realistically, away from where I am now. And back into the development world. In my former life (before I trained my replacements in 2002 and was then told to go find another job in 2005), I was one of the best of the best at my chosen line of work. Web development. Front-end web development. UI coding. Cross-browser. Cross-platform. Proficient in ‘nix flavors and the command line. Not afraid of anything code-related.

And it suited me. In a very big way. Because I could create things and make stuff work, like nobody else. I could convince browsers to do things they weren’t built to do. I was good. I was one of the best. And I was relieved of my duties by the bean-counters who had no idea what the work entailed. All they knew was that I was “too expensive” and they were convinced I could be replaced.

Hm.

Yeah, as it turns out (having managed a lot of projects involving developers who weren’t even close to as good as I was), I can’t be replaced. My skills are still needed. And my interview and subsequent job offer this past December (for a developer job) tells me that I still have a future in that realm. I tend to get pretty rigid about things and get convinced that since I’ve almost exclusively done project/program management for the past 3.5 years, so I’ve been telling myself that I have to stay in that space. But I don’t. I can shift back to development. I’m the only one who’s blocking myself, at this point.

Plus, I can do my own “thang” in the process. Build tools. For mobile. Just build things that show people what I do — like Temple Grandin recommends. I’ve actually got a pretty impressive portfolio, and it’s not even complete. I need to get focused on completing it, and lift myself up out of this increasingly wretched state I’ve been in, for the past year and a half, when it first started to dawn on me that this was probably not the best job choice for me.

There’s a lot I can do about my situation, right now. I can build my own apps. I can build my own websites. I can do a lot that shows how I work. And I can put the finishing touches on some projects I started over the past years but lost the energy to do them – because I was too wiped out from my day job to keep up with it all.

…

So, there is hope.

But for now, it’s time to go move some snow. We got a bunch of it overnight, and I need to shovel it before the temperatures start to rise. Heavy snow is no fun.

Employable Me looking for #autistic folks to profile about #employment

This showed up in my comments section the other day. Check it out, it might be a good opportunity.

Hi there!
I am the casting director for the American version of the award-winning BBC television series “Employable Me.”

The TV series I cast, “Employable Me,” follows people with Autism, Aspergers and other neurological conditions like Tourette Syndrome as they look for meaningful, long-term employment. The job-seekers selected to appear on our documentary series will be encouraged to unlock their hidden talents with the help of experts, doctors and neurological specialists so they can at long last find the job that best suits their unique skill sets and strengths and creates a sense of purpose in their life.

I am reaching out to you both with the hope that our current search for people who have neurological conditions and that manifest incredible intelligence that has not been appreciated properly by potential employers, might be shared with people in your social networks that might be interested in our series?

We’d love for our search for jobseekers to be mentioned there in the off-chance that people in a situation where their condition has been employment-prohibitive to date, but who have talent to offer and who could benefit from being a part of our series, will learn about it and apply to be considered.

A summary of what we are hoping you might be able to circulate for us in an email blast is below my signature in this email.

I highly encourage you to view some highlights of our courageous series as first launched in the UK: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09hlpl8
Liz Alderman
Casting Director, Optomen Productions
Liz.Alderman@OptomenUSA.com
http://www.OptomenProductions.com

JOB-SEEKERS WITH NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS SOUGHT FOR AWARD-WINNING DOCUMENTARY SERIES, “Employable Me”

Documentary producers at Optomen USA are looking for people with neuro-divergent conditions such as ASD & Tourettes who would like our assistance finding employment on the documentary TV series EMPLOYABLE ME.

A diverse workforce can be great for a business and EMPLOYABLE ME wants to dramatically shake up the system to prove it.

The job-seekers selected to appear on our documentary series will be encouraged to unlock their hidden talents with the help of experts and specialists so they can at long last find the job that best suits their unique skill sets and strengths.

Contact Liz.Alderman@OptomenUSA.com for more information on how to be considered for this opportunity.

Optomen Productions produces hundreds of hours of television each year for many of the major cable and broadcast networks including Food Network, Travel Channel, Nat Geo Wild, Animal Planet, Investigation Discovery and Bravo. Our most successful series include Worst Cooks in America and Mysteries at the Museum.

Visit http://www.optomenproductions.com/ for more information about our company.

Employable Me Episode 1: https://vimeo.com/165440168/eeef45ba00

Employable Me Episode 2: https://vimeo.com/194704968/f29ee23b44

Employable Me Episode 3: https://vimeo.com/165440167/911b02b210

Picking and choosing and getting my priorities straight

Oh, this is ridiculous.

What do you do, when your boss doesn’t have a strong personality, they have a lot of political conflicts, and they don’t handle criticism very well? And other people like to “pile on them” with criticisms and complaints, which they lose their sh*t over?

You end up like me.

And you definitely don’t want to be me, right now.

The stuff that’s imploding around me has been blown out of proportion by people who are all jockeying for position in a shifting, re-organizing company. Everybody’s jockeying for position, striking a pose, and up in their heads about every damn’ thing.

It’s a terrible time to be empathic.

Good thing I’m working from home, today.

…

You know, this job really wasn’t a good idea for me to take. I mean, it has helped me in a lot of ways, but it’s also taken a toll. My boss is a big part of it, as well as my alexithymia. It’s incredibly difficult to gauge how you’re really doing, if you can’t read other people or your own internal state. And when your boss keeps you at arm’s length for a year or two and won’t cut you in on basic information about how things work, it’s even more of a pain in the ass.

I know I shouldn’t get worked up over all this. I’m probably blowing things out of proportion, myself. And I’m in a position where I could literally take six months off and not have (too much) financial trouble. I could literally leave today and have the spring to myself.

Or, I can hang in there for another 8 weeks till I get my bonus payout, and then… sayonara! Yeah, I’ll stick around for another couple of months, collect my biweekly paycheck, and actively look for another job. Then, probably whether I have something lined up or not, I’ll make my exit. This is seriously not going to work for me. Seriously.

In the meantime, I guess I’d better get to work… This sh*t isn’t going to solve itself. And I don’t want to leave it hanging. I do have some standards left…

I just have to find a way to quit perseverating about the stuff I screwed up, and just strap in for the next little while. Turn off my head. Focus on some other interests. Screw it. Let it go. Quit worrying about it. Just live.

And get on with my life beyond this dumpster fire of an employer I’m stuck with.

Are we there yet?

Oh . my . god .

Nothing like a little implosion to start off the week right.

My job has basically turned into a sh*t-show, with a major project I’m managing turning out to be a “dog”. Now, mind you, I was ordered to implement this project by people outside my organization who made a deal with a vendor, and then expected us all to shoehorn the technology into place.

If that means nothing to you, think of it like somebody from the rich part of town showing up in poor neighborhoods and commanding everyone to shop only at an expensive “artisanal” grocer, because that’s the Right Thing To Do. No – scratch that. It’s like being an hourly wage-earner whose employer tells them that they can only shop at the company store, which has jacked-up prices.

Yeah, that’s more like it.

The only problem (for them) is, I have some power and influence in the situation, and when I saw the whole thing wasn’t working yesterday, I pulled the plug on it. No hesitation. Just yanked it. From production. Don’t care. Supposedly, it wasn’t my call, but I friggin’ did it, anyway.

I’m sure people are going to flip out over it, and who knows(?) I might even get fired, but I really don’t ^$ care. The “enhancement” that they ordered us to use broke something that was working for us just fine. For years. And people who couldn’t do their jobs anymore had a fit. So, I pulled it out. We’re going back to the drawing board in a number of respects.

Because people didn’t think things through. One of the big reasons for that is that everybody is so incredibly distracted, they can’t maintain a continuous thought for more than 30 seconds. Every . single . meeting . I go to in person has people sitting around the conference table with their laptops open, emailing and texting other people while the meeting is going on. It’s maddening. Every . single . conference . call . I’m on is populated by people multitasking with chat sessions happening while they’re talking. They even say (out loud) that they are distracted by chats coming in. That just pisses me off. People just drop off calls for 20 minutes to go do something else, then they come back later… completely unapologetic for having been away when we needed them there. Here, I’m working hard to pay attention to what’s going on, absolutely hating and struggling with having to be on the phone, and others aren’t even mentally (or physically) present.

It’s ridiculous. I’ve got five times the workload of other people I’m working with, and I get no support from my peers, or management. My boss tends to avoid me, and he hoards information, doling it out like rewards, instead of the proverbial bread-and-butter of getting stuff done.

So, this is what happens.

Of course, I’m not blameless in this. There were a number of things I missed. I played a big part in the screw-up. At the same time, I’m just one person doing the job of a team that used to have three people on it, and this is just one of my projects. Yeah, I have my limits. I’m so caught up in bouncing from one trash fire to another, there’s no time to step back, take a look from a bigger perspective, and actually plan. Everybody’s in reaction mode, including me, and I hate it.

Especially when my alexithymia kicks in , and I literally can’t tell whether I’m doing a good job, or not. Maybe I’m doing great, maybe I’m not. I have no way to tell, because I can’t read others, and I can’t tell what’s going on with me. I’m too busy scrambling to keep up, to get a clear view, anyway.

It’s incredibly frustrating and anxiety-producing… if I stop to think about it.

So, I don’t. I keep myself busy. I do other things.

I make stuff up in my mind about what I’ll think about what’s going on. I decide intentionally to keep an attitude of positive proactiveness and hold my sh*t together. It nauseates me, and I feel like crap the whole time, but it seems to work okay around other people. Somebody called me a “genius”, this morning, for backing out the changes we made. So, at least one person approves. I think I’ll put that on my LinkedIn profile, since it’s probably best that I start looking for another job.

So… whatever. I’ll go into work and deal with this crap today. I’ll drag my sorry ass through the muck that other people created, and I’ll go for a swim this afternoon, if I get a chance. I’m incredibly pissed off at a lot of people for pushing and pulling me in all different directions behind the scenes, while “making nice” to each other in person. I’m incredibly pissed off at myself for letting it get to this point. And I’m incredibly pissed off at people who refused to help, when I reached out and asked… and then pitched a holy fit, when things turned out the way I warned them, to begin with.

I’ve really had it with a lot of these people.

On the bright side, there are other jobs to be had. I need to start looking around. And I am.

So, What’s #Menopause and What’s #Autism?

That was the operative question for me about 10 years ago. Or rather, it should have been the operative question, but I was so overwhelmed with my life and my body’s changes, that I couldn’t think clearly about being Autistic.

I actually couldn’t think clearly about being Autistic for years prior to that, because, well, being Autistic and not having a definitive diagnosis (self-DXed or otherwise), and not having any sort of support or community to turn to, there was little to no opportunity/chance for me to cogently suss it all out in my head.

Things were just a big ol’ mess, and that was that.

My job situation was tenuous, and I was moving from position to position, from company to company, without anyone really realizing what was going on. In hindsight, I can tell you:

I was moving from job to job, because I couldn’t track what was going on around me. I was overwhelmed from the changes in my monthly cycle, which were also accompanied by dramatic changes in my hormonal levels and behavior and thinking process(es), and I was in constant dread of being found out — that someone would figure out that I was a screw-up who didn’t know what was going on, and they’d just get rid of me. I had to keep some semblance of “control” in my professional life, so that meant moving around a fair amount.

I mean, it was rough. And the thing that made it the roughest, was not having adequate cluefulness about Autism and how it affected me. I am 100% convinced that I could have managed my situation, if I’d had adequate knowledge about Autism, as well as menopause.  I am proactive. I’m a planner. I come up with structures and systems that assist me. I build tools, I leverage assistive technologies (even ones that aren’t build with that intention), and I am highly scientific about how I live my life.

So, if I’d had reliable info about A) Autism and B) Menopause, I am 100% certain I could have handled it all extremely well.

And I’m just as convinced that other women can, too.

Of course, all this is … fraught.

One of the hazards of talking frankly about (peri)menopausal Autistic women, is that to the untrained eye, it can make us look extremely debilitated. That’s no good for our careers, for our social lives, for our prospects in the mainstream — where, like it or not, a lot of us need to function. Plus, when people hear about our difficulties and how much menopause really f*cks with us, they can automatically jump to the “oh you poor dear” victim mentality, where we’re supposed to be coddled and care for and given special consideration.

Screw that. Given half a chance, I can really do an exemplary job of living well — and I do. On a regular basis. A lot of us do. So, treating me/us like poor hothouse flowers who need to be sheltered and given special dispensation just works against us.

I’m not saying we don’t need consideration. We do. But don’t turn us into helpless victims, simply because we’re going through what millions upon millions of other women (Autistic and otherwise) have successfully gone through for millennia before us.

We need to talk frankly about it. We need to discuss. I might just be that we can’t do it freely in public. Some well-meaning person may pick up on what we’re talking about and — god forbid — institute some policy around it.

Well, enough of that rant. It’s Monday, and I’m ramping up… I don’t want to get distracted. Okay, where was I?

Ah, yes — figuring out whether the drama in your life is Autism or Menopause…

As I discussed earlier (#Autism and #Menopause… Like we don’t have enough problems already!) , we’ve got a bunch of overlaps between the two situations — one of them permanent, one of them temporary:

hypersensitivity (including achy joints and sensitivity to noise, temperature and pain), muscle aches, foggy thinking, forgetfulness and other executive function challenges, trouble sleeping, difficulty with temperature regulation, seizures, migraines, irritability, depression, anxiety

Additionally, we can have additional health issues, like EDS and fibromyalgia and epilepsy, mental health issues, and injuries that can make our lives that much more… interesting and eventful. And then there’s life. Menopause comes along at a time in our lives when we’ve got increased responsibilities: our professional lives can be packed full of responsibility, our personal lives can be in upheaval, we can have a bunch of dependents to provide for (growing kids and aging parents at the same time), and much of what we handle, we have to handle alone, because other people say we’re so good at it, so that qualifies us to be the subject matter experts and take full control/responsibility for those things.

It seems pretty much like a setup to me.

And when you add Autism to the mix, oh yeah — that’s even better. Because we’re already hypersensitive as Autistic women (or men who are have menopausal women in their lives). We’re already achey and sleep-deprived and anxious and everything else listed above (and more). But then life comes along and tosses the menopausal firecracker into our well-ordered lives, and kaflooey! Instant drama.

I’m not one to dwell on constant problems. If I were, I would have ended my life long ago (it’s true). I’m all for solutions — and the one solution I found is really the most basic one of all: education and proactive management of my situation. Using tools. Writing things down. Keeping close tabs on the ways that my life is screwy (and yes, it is in many ways) and doing something to unscrew it. Focusing on the places where things fall apart for me, and coming up with ways to keep them together, in spite of forces beyond my control.

I’ve gotten lectures from other people about how I shouldn’t use a “disability model” when I think about being Autistic. I should focus on differences and reframe my limitations as just variations in the human theme. Philosophically, I totally agree. But logistically, that just doesn’t work for me. I really do have problems associated with Autism, and to tell the truth, the very thing that saves my a** in all of it, is “getting ahead of it” and coming up with ways to address or augment my issues — because I durned well know I’m gonna have those issues… or I already have them, and they’re making my life extremely difficult.

I’ve got to get read for work, now, but I’m going to share some of my most helpful tips, tricks, and techniques on this blog. Seriously, people, menopause happens to so all of us — both directly and indirectly. And it’s especially impactful for Autistic folks. Forewarned is forearmed, so we need to gird ourselves and get properly equipped to deal with it.

That means… information. Facts. Scientific research. Just knowing what’s going on with us, and what we can expect. Without that knowledge, we’re sunk.

And we also need tools.

So, I’ll leave you for now and come back around later when I’ve got more to share. I’m ambivalent about this Monday. No, scratch that, I really don’t want to “do” this Monday. At all. I have a long list of pain in the ass people I have to deal with… But I’m delaying the inevitable. Off I go… wading into the fray.

More to come later. Much more.

It’s easier if people aren’t nice to me

Photo by Phoebe Dill on Unsplash

This is going to sound strange, but it’s actually easier for me, when people aren’t nice to me.

When they don’t say and do nice things for me, befriending me, and so forth.

I find it confusing. And the reciprocity thing makes my head feel like it’s spinning.

And I’m going to get it wrong.

Either I’ll get too close, too fast, or I’ll keep my distance when I’m not supposed to.

They’ll expect me to hug them. And that’s no good. I’m a terrible hugger, objectively speaking. I don’t know how to get the right pressure, and I always seem to dig my chin into the other person’s shoulder, which is a weirdly intimate thing to do, when I think about it.

They will say things and expect me to respond in kind. But my brain doesn’t work at their same speed, so I’ll end up saying something stupid or coarse or reflexive that’s unconsciously meant to push them away.

It’s better, if people aren’t nice to me.

That’s not to say I don’t like people. I do! I really enjoy their company, and I like to spend time chatting about things that interest us. Even the dreaded small-talk is fun for me, at times. Banter. Witty banter. Laughs. Ha-ha-ha. 😀

But other than superficial fun times, I prefer that people are objective and a little cold towards me. Matter-of-fact. Because facts really matter a lot to me, and it’s more important for me to handle things in the correct manner, than it is for me to “exchange energies” with potentially needy others.

I don’t mind the chill. I prefer it, in fact.

Just don’t be rude.

Rudeness I cannot countenance. Standoffishness, yes. But rudeness, no.

And that’s what I have to say about that tonight.