What I lose when I share

outstretched hand
It feels like something’s being taken from me

I wrote yesterday about why I don’t share as much as others.

Today, I was thinking about how sharing actually takes something away from me.

When I share something I love with all my heart, and the person I’m sharing with doesn’t get it — usually through no fault of their own — my experience of the thing(s) I love actually changes. The feeling I have for it is dulled, “dinged”. A little tarnished. That’s both from the other person not mirroring my ecstasy over esoterica, as well as a sense on my own part that I’ve failed somehow.

I’ve failed to convey my joy to them.

I’ve failed to show them just how and why something is worthy of ecstatic transport.

I’ve failed to connect with them in a way that does justice to my experience.

I’ve failed.

And that taints the experience for me. So, anytime I think again of that once-special thing, it’s not the same as it was before. It’s just not the same.

And a little more of the light in my life has been snuffed out. Things are less bright for me, than they were before.

And there’s nothing I can do to get it back.

So, I don’t share.

Not as often as others want me to, or I even want to. It’s just not worth the risk to me, the risk of loss, the risk of disappointment, the risk of embarrassment.

So, I keep to myself, and my joy is sheltered. It remains complete.

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10 thoughts on “What I lose when I share

  1. Kind of the same, but sort of more like other people’s interest detracts from my own…? I don’t share some things because I want them to be ‘mine’. I don’t want other people interrupting my path through my loves with mundane misunderstandings. I feel the path is tainted, not the love. But you’re right. I have given things away that I loved because of the other way people have behaved about them. Now I wish I had those things back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Yes – absolutely – the path is … diverted… distracted by others’ ways of doing things and thinking about things, which has nothing to do with mine/ours.

      Like

  2. I so identify with this. I remembering realizing this about myself back in high school when I never wanted to pick the music when I rode in the car with a friend. I was worried the friend wouldn’t care for my music or, worse, would make fun of it and thereby insult a part of me. It’s better now that I no longer spend my days around adolescents, but it still feels like I’m putting myself at risk. So I tend to go with the flow when I’m with a group and we are trying to decide where to eat or what movie to watch, etc.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. VisualVox

      Yes – I’ve “lost” many a song I loved, because I shared it with someone who just wanted to criticize it, or use the occasion as a chance to show off how much more they knew about music than I did. It was terrible! Very sad.

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  3. I often want to use music as a way to connect with others. I’ve made mix tapes and wanted to share them so others could experience feelings like I did, but like you, I’d share a song and it would be criticized, for example as being “mainstream.” When something I like is ridiculed I question myself and why I like it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      I do, as well. I had a best friend in high school who loved to exchange mix tapes. She never criticized me or my choice in music – and vice-versa. Hence, best friend.

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  4. I remember this feeling very well and maybe that’s why I don’t share all my joys either. But a part of me is growing less and less weary of what others think of me and so my enjoyment grows, even if I see I’m the only one appreciative of something. But regarding to holiday stories: I keep quiet. I learned my travels only ever really affect myself and my excitement is never shared by those who did not come on my trips.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jay

    It can be so hard when people don’t really understand our passions, the things which we value so deeply that they form a part of our very fabric… and so I think I can understand that sense of falling when sharing to find it’s not met with the sense of appreciation that we might anticipate.

    As a parent to an ASD teen I hear myself repeatedly saying, thinking, and living the mantra ‘who you are is good enough’, and with that needs to come some understanding that part of ‘who you are’ is your uniqueness; for everybody, be them NT or neurodiverse, aside from our behaviours, our values, the ways we treat others and our contribution to this world, our uniqueness also lies in our interests, the things we hold close to our hearts, where we find that something special that others are somehow blind to. It’s like a superpower, a vision, or a thinking that is just that little bit out of reach to those who don’t quite get it.

    Each and every time you share and don’t see the recipient gush and behold, try to remember they have a limited field of vision in that instance, it doesn’t tarnish your interests, but instead makes them that little bit more special to you. Your ability to see and appreciate that very thing is a little part of the unique you, and lets face it, do we really want to aspire to be the ‘same’ as everybody else? Diversity keeps life interesting. Embrace it, and enjoy. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thank you for writing this, Jay. I really appreciate it. It really is like living as an “expat” in a foreign country. And you’re right – the fact that others don’t speak my language fluently doesn’t take away from my language — or theirs. It just makes it more precious to me, and it lets me understand them a little better, as well.

      Thanks again for writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Jay

        For sure, that is the exact analogy I refer to on a frequent basis lol. The great thing about travelling is that you can observe so many new things that can enrich your thinking and experience, without the shield of familiarity blurring your vision that the locals have to endure 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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