Getting back to what restores me

code on a computer screen with garden image behind itI’ve had the most wonderful weekend! It was an amazing balance of activity and rest, of hope and self-determination, and laying the groundwork for new beginnings, all around.

I was supposed to spend Saturday driving family and friends to a memorial service for one my partner’s friends who passed away. But it was so hot, my partner didn’t think it was safe to be out in the heat. She doesn’t handle heat well, and she didn’t want to end up sick — which is what happens if she gets overheated. Plus, I couldn’t stay for the event. I’m no good in crowds of strangers who love to hug each other and look searchingly into each others’ eyes. That’s what that group love to do — no thank you. I just couldn’t do it, and she understood.

On top of it all, I would have been dropping her off at the event, then coming to pick her up later, so that didn’t help her anxiety. At all. Nope. No way. Not gonna happen. She cancelled her promise to appear, and that was that.

As a result, I had an actual weekend. If I’d made that trip, I would have been exhausted on Sunday, and that’s no good. I wouldn’t have had a weekend at all. And I wouldn’t have gotten all the things done that I want to get done.

I have a lot of them.

  • Gardening(!)
  • Reading and watching videos about a new kind of astrology I discovered, which answers a lot of questions I’ve had over the years. It fits me so much better.
  • Drafting some writing pieces I’m working on.
  • Coding up a new app I’ve had going for a few months, now.
  • Taking care of assorted chores I let go over the past several weeks.
  • Resting and thinking about where I really want my life to go.

I spent a whole lot of time in my garden, turning over a new plot I was given. Three hours on Saturday morning, and another three hours on Sunday morning. It was too hot to do anything after 9:30 a.m., so I got out there early, both days — about 6 a.m. And I had the garden to myself for a while. Peace and quiet. No conversations. Just me and my shovel and the weeds sunk persistently in the earth.

Spreading the last of the dried alpaca manure on the newly turned-over section. Removing grasses and various invaders from around the peas, tomatoes, bell peppers, beans, carrots, and celery. Checking on the beets and Brussels sprouts, waiting for carrots to appear. Putting in mounds for my cucumbers and seeding and watering them. Weeds on the weed pile, which then got carted to the compost bins. Return trip with the wheelbarrow full of wood chips to put down on the paths between my plots. Lots of work. Lots of weeding. Hauling water, too, so my “babies” get their drink. There are two pumps, so I have to pump and carry it myself, which is fine. Each plot needs its own watering can full. That makes eight trips. It’s fine. It gets easier, each time I go there.

I also harvested lettuce and the first sugar snap peas and little yellow tom-tom tomato of the year(!) All delicious, all alive, all life-giving. Such an awesome experience to have that actual food to eat. Without having to go to the store. Without the burden of knowing that store-bought food comes to me thanks to someone not getting paid a living wage, and countless trucks on the road burning diesel. I won’t call it “guilt-free”, just with a far lower carbon imprint and free of much of the moral residue the rest of my food comes with.

This is the first year I’ve ever been able to do this gardening. I’ve always had a job that required a commute, as well as daily appearance at the workplace. Being in the office every single day, as well as the drive to and from… it’s been an enormous drain on my energy and resources, and I’m surprised I’ve ever been able to do much of anything other than recover in my off-hours, to be honest. But I used to do a lot in my off-hours. Just not gardening. It was all reactive stuff that I did before — activities prompted by my partner, or things I had to do. Or things that eased my distress, like writing.

Nothing pro-active and self-determining, like gardening.

Now, though, I can work from home pretty much anytime I need to, and that’s great. It’s the one reason I stay with my job. Because I’m home, I can finish out the week without being completely destroyed.

And I have time and energy for other things, as well.

Like coding.

I started web development in 1995, when I wanted to publish my own work online without being blocked by editors. I’ve never been comfortable dealing with editors — egos are daunting for me, and I have a hard time communicating with people in general. It just doesn’t work. So, I needed a way to get my work out there, and the web seemed the perfect avenue. Fast-forward to 2010, when I decided to switch my career path to project management, so I could code my own projects on my own time and actually enjoy myself in the process. Corporate web development just depressed the living sh*t out of me, and I wanted to be free to code up what I wanted, the way I wanted.

Of course, things didn’t turn out exactly the way I expected — or wanted. I had a rough time transitioning to the people-focused role of project management… especially since the developers I was working with weren’t as skilled as I was, and they also didn’t have the work ethic I have. That seriously eroded any energy or enthusiasm I had for coding, and the daily commute just sucked the life out of me.

So, my dream of doing my own coding faded into the background. I’ve worked on a few projects, here and there, and some of them have been substantial — like my Autism/Aspergers Spot-Check Tool and the Auptima Press The Holiday Survival Autistic Stress Gauge, a free online tool to help you measure how you’re doing – and where you need help – during holiday seasons.

I haven’t been completely idle, coding-wise, but I haven’t fully committed to my coding the way I intended, those eight years ago.

Until now.

I’ve got another project “cooking”, which has me pretty excited, I have to say. It’s helping me get clear on where I want to put my attention, coding-wise. There are lot of choices of technologies and techniques, and that’s been the main thing that’s blocked me, along the way. Just not being sure what direction to go — what to learn next, what to focus on, where to invest my severely limited off-hours time and energy. This project is helping me get very, very clear about what I do — and don’t — want to do.

Plus, when I’m done with it, it’ll be a tasty little addition to my portfolio, which I need to update, now that I think of it.

So, that was my weekend. Gardening… working myself to a quivering heap… resting, getting my second wind… then sitting down to study and code for hours and hours of blissful focus and attention.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I need to get back to coding. I may not be able to do it full-time (and I may not want to, since my wrists need frequent rest), but I crave that focus, that intensity of concentration. I just can’t get that with project and program management. Well, we’ll see how things shake out. I have time to study and learn and apply my skills and see where things take me. I’m not in a situation where I feel like I have to get out of here right now, or I’m going to die! I’m fairly secure, job-wise. And I know I need to change. So, I’m using the time to work towards that.

One thing at a time.

One step at a time.

One day… week… month at a time.

I’ll get there. Piecing my life together, bit by bit, I’ll get there.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Getting back to what restores me

  1. …and you’ll get there with yummy fresh veggies in your tummy!! We had a garden for years and the taste difference between food you grow yourself and store-bought stuff is amazing. Especially tomatoes!
    I’m glad you had some down time, some YOU time. We all need to stop and rest and just breathe sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Getting back to what restores me – Just Under Your Radar – International Badass Activists

What do you think? Share your feedback - and feel free to share this post!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.