Are we there yet?

snow landscape with animal tracks Oh . my . god .

Nothing like a little implosion to start off the week right.

My job has basically turned into a sh*t-show, with a major project I’m managing turning out to be a “dog”. Now, mind you, I was ordered to implement this project by people outside my organization who made a deal with a vendor, and then expected us all to shoehorn the technology into place.

If that means nothing to you, think of it like somebody from the rich part of town showing up in poor neighborhoods and commanding everyone to shop only at an expensive “artisanal” grocer, because that’s the Right Thing To Do. No – scratch that. It’s like being an hourly wage-earner whose employer tells them that they can only shop at the company store, which has jacked-up prices.

Yeah, that’s more like it.

The only problem (for them) is, I have some power and influence in the situation, and when I saw the whole thing wasn’t working yesterday, I pulled the plug on it. No hesitation. Just yanked it. From production. Don’t care. Supposedly, it wasn’t my call, but I friggin’ did it, anyway.

I’m sure people are going to flip out over it, and who knows(?) I might even get fired, but I really don’t ^$ care. The “enhancement” that they ordered us to use broke something that was working for us just fine. For years. And people who couldn’t do their jobs anymore had a fit. So, I pulled it out. We’re going back to the drawing board in a number of respects.

Because people didn’t think things through. One of the big reasons for that is that everybody is so incredibly distracted, they can’t maintain a continuous thought for more than 30 seconds. Every . single . meeting . I go to in person has people sitting around the conference table with their laptops open, emailing and texting other people while the meeting is going on. It’s maddening. Every . single . conference . call . I’m on is populated by people multitasking with chat sessions happening while they’re talking. They even say (out loud) that they are distracted by chats coming in. That just pisses me off. People just drop off calls for 20 minutes to go do something else, then they come back later… completely unapologetic for having been away when we needed them there. Here, I’m working hard to pay attention to what’s going on, absolutely hating and struggling with having to be on the phone, and others aren’t even mentally (or physically) present.

It’s ridiculous. I’ve got five times the workload of other people I’m working with, and I get no support from my peers, or management. My boss tends to avoid me, and he hoards information, doling it out like rewards, instead of the proverbial bread-and-butter of getting stuff done.

So, this is what happens.

Of course, I’m not blameless in this. There were a number of things I missed. I played a big part in the screw-up. At the same time, I’m just one person doing the job of a team that used to have three people on it, and this is just one of my projects. Yeah, I have my limits. I’m so caught up in bouncing from one trash fire to another, there’s no time to step back, take a look from a bigger perspective, and actually plan. Everybody’s in reaction mode, including me, and I hate it.

Especially when my alexithymia kicks in , and I literally can’t tell whether I’m doing a good job, or not. Maybe I’m doing great, maybe I’m not. I have no way to tell, because I can’t read others, and I can’t tell what’s going on with me. I’m too busy scrambling to keep up, to get a clear view, anyway.

It’s incredibly frustrating and anxiety-producing… if I stop to think about it.

So, I don’t. I keep myself busy. I do other things.

I make stuff up in my mind about what I’ll think about what’s going on. I decide intentionally to keep an attitude of positive proactiveness and hold my sh*t together. It nauseates me, and I feel like crap the whole time, but it seems to work okay around other people. Somebody called me a “genius”, this morning, for backing out the changes we made. So, at least one person approves. I think I’ll put that on my LinkedIn profile, since it’s probably best that I start looking for another job.

So… whatever. I’ll go into work and deal with this crap today. I’ll drag my sorry ass through the muck that other people created, and I’ll go for a swim this afternoon, if I get a chance. I’m incredibly pissed off at a lot of people for pushing and pulling me in all different directions behind the scenes, while “making nice” to each other in person. I’m incredibly pissed off at myself for letting it get to this point. And I’m incredibly pissed off at people who refused to help, when I reached out and asked… and then pitched a holy fit, when things turned out the way I warned them, to begin with.

I’ve really had it with a lot of these people.

On the bright side, there are other jobs to be had. I need to start looking around. And I am.

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