That was the operative question for me about 10 years ago. Or rather, it should have been the operative question, but I was so overwhelmed with my life and my body’s changes, that I couldn’t think clearly about being Autistic.
I actually couldn’t think clearly about being Autistic for years prior to that, because, well, being Autistic and not having a definitive diagnosis (self-DXed or otherwise), and not having any sort of support or community to turn to, there was little to no opportunity/chance for me to cogently suss it all out in my head.
Things were just a big ol’ mess, and that was that.
My job situation was tenuous, and I was moving from position to position, from company to company, without anyone really realizing what was going on. In hindsight, I can tell you:
I was moving from job to job, because I couldn’t track what was going on around me. I was overwhelmed from the changes in my monthly cycle, which were also accompanied by dramatic changes in my hormonal levels and behavior and thinking process(es), and I was in constant dread of being found out — that someone would figure out that I was a screw-up who didn’t know what was going on, and they’d just get rid of me. I had to keep some semblance of “control” in my professional life, so that meant moving around a fair amount.
I mean, it was rough. And the thing that made it the roughest, was not having adequate cluefulness about Autism and how it affected me. I am 100% convinced that I could have managed my situation, if I’d had adequate knowledge about Autism, as well as menopause. I am proactive. I’m a planner. I come up with structures and systems that assist me. I build tools, I leverage assistive technologies (even ones that aren’t build with that intention), and I am highly scientific about how I live my life.
So, if I’d had reliable info about A) Autism and B) Menopause, I am 100% certain I could have handled it all extremely well.
And I’m just as convinced that other women can, too.
Of course, all this is … fraught.
One of the hazards of talking frankly about (peri)menopausal Autistic women, is that to the untrained eye, it can make us look extremely debilitated. That’s no good for our careers, for our social lives, for our prospects in the mainstream — where, like it or not, a lot of us need to function. Plus, when people hear about our difficulties and how much menopause really f*cks with us, they can automatically jump to the “oh you poor dear” victim mentality, where we’re supposed to be coddled and care for and given special consideration.
Screw that. Given half a chance, I can really do an exemplary job of living well — and I do. On a regular basis. A lot of us do. So, treating me/us like poor hothouse flowers who need to be sheltered and given special dispensation just works against us.
I’m not saying we don’t need consideration. We do. But don’t turn us into helpless victims, simply because we’re going through what millions upon millions of other women (Autistic and otherwise) have successfully gone through for millennia before us.
We need to talk frankly about it. We need to discuss. I might just be that we can’t do it freely in public. Some well-meaning person may pick up on what we’re talking about and — god forbid — institute some policy around it.
Well, enough of that rant. It’s Monday, and I’m ramping up… I don’t want to get distracted. Okay, where was I?
Ah, yes — figuring out whether the drama in your life is Autism or Menopause…
As I discussed earlier (#Autism and #Menopause… Like we don’t have enough problems already!) , we’ve got a bunch of overlaps between the two situations — one of them permanent, one of them temporary:
hypersensitivity (including achy joints and sensitivity to noise, temperature and pain), muscle aches, foggy thinking, forgetfulness and other executive function challenges, trouble sleeping, difficulty with temperature regulation, seizures, migraines, irritability, depression, anxiety
Additionally, we can have additional health issues, like EDS and fibromyalgia and epilepsy, mental health issues, and injuries that can make our lives that much more… interesting and eventful. And then there’s life. Menopause comes along at a time in our lives when we’ve got increased responsibilities: our professional lives can be packed full of responsibility, our personal lives can be in upheaval, we can have a bunch of dependents to provide for (growing kids and aging parents at the same time), and much of what we handle, we have to handle alone, because other people say we’re so good at it, so that qualifies us to be the subject matter experts and take full control/responsibility for those things.
It seems pretty much like a setup to me.
And when you add Autism to the mix, oh yeah — that’s even better. Because we’re already hypersensitive as Autistic women (or men who are have menopausal women in their lives). We’re already achey and sleep-deprived and anxious and everything else listed above (and more). But then life comes along and tosses the menopausal firecracker into our well-ordered lives, and kaflooey! Instant drama.
I’m not one to dwell on constant problems. If I were, I would have ended my life long ago (it’s true). I’m all for solutions — and the one solution I found is really the most basic one of all: education and proactive management of my situation. Using tools. Writing things down. Keeping close tabs on the ways that my life is screwy (and yes, it is in many ways) and doing something to unscrew it. Focusing on the places where things fall apart for me, and coming up with ways to keep them together, in spite of forces beyond my control.
I’ve gotten lectures from other people about how I shouldn’t use a “disability model” when I think about being Autistic. I should focus on differences and reframe my limitations as just variations in the human theme. Philosophically, I totally agree. But logistically, that just doesn’t work for me. I really do have problems associated with Autism, and to tell the truth, the very thing that saves my a** in all of it, is “getting ahead of it” and coming up with ways to address or augment my issues — because I durned well know I’m gonna have those issues… or I already have them, and they’re making my life extremely difficult.
I’ve got to get read for work, now, but I’m going to share some of my most helpful tips, tricks, and techniques on this blog. Seriously, people, menopause happens to so all of us — both directly and indirectly. And it’s especially impactful for Autistic folks. Forewarned is forearmed, so we need to gird ourselves and get properly equipped to deal with it.
That means… information. Facts. Scientific research. Just knowing what’s going on with us, and what we can expect. Without that knowledge, we’re sunk.
And we also need tools.
So, I’ll leave you for now and come back around later when I’ve got more to share. I’m ambivalent about this Monday. No, scratch that, I really don’t want to “do” this Monday. At all. I have a long list of pain in the ass people I have to deal with… But I’m delaying the inevitable. Off I go… wading into the fray.
More to come later. Much more.