So, I’ve been going-going-going for months and months on a number of writing projects. There’s been a ton of logistics to figure out, and it’s been fun in its own way. Additionally, I’ve been really busy with my day-job, to the point of exhaustion, which has its aspects of twisted pleasure — mmmmm! stress!!! Tasty…
In all honesty, there’s a certain sweetness to the steady pump of stress hormones in my system. They focus me. They make things seem much simpler than they actually are. They wake me up and provide energy, motivation, a sense of purpose.
But I’m feeling wrung out, these days. I’m feeling a bit… “thinned”. I need to feed myself, build myself up in ways that really work for me, so I can continue at the pace I need to keep, these days. Life won’t slow down for me, that’s for certain. I need to keep up. So, that means I need to do a bit more for myself. I need to be my own best friend.
So… Sundays. Yeah, Sundays. I’ve structured my life such that I don’t have anything happening on that last/first day of the week, and I need to put some more thought into how I use that time. I haven’t been reading like I should. I’ve been skimming and browsing and surfing, following links off Twitter and so forth. But I haven’t sat down with a book and worked my way through it from start to finish, in quite some time. I’ve started books, yes. Finished? Very seldom, in the past couple of years.
I really want to change that. So, I shall. I’ve got a study full of books that I haven’t read — I tend to “bookpile”, acquiring all kinds of books that I would love to read (and want to read at the time I buy them), but then don’t get around to reading. I can’t even count how many of these kinds of books I have in my collection. And yet, my first impulse is to get more books — often at the library — when I feel like reading something.
I’m a little tired of having to make runs to the library, though. I don’t have easy access to one, anymore. It’s a “long way around” trip to the nearest one in my library system, and I’ve become really possessive of my time. Plus, it takes planning to request a book, pick it up, and then return it at the right time, and with everything that’s been going on, I have less time and energy to spare for that executive function extravaganza. I’d rather not have to plan.
So, I have a way around that. And it fits really well into my plans. With all the really good books I have, I can keep myself well occupied for the foreseeable future. A lot of them are books I would have checked out of the library, anyway. And they’re (mostly) classics of their fields — texts which are often cited by others. So, I’m going to be getting enduring value from them.
Of course, there’s always the sensed “danger” of missing out on what’s going on in the world around me. What cutting-edge research am I overlooking? What new developments am I not paying attention to? But honestly, so much research (especially autism research) is based on flawed assumptions and arrogant presumptions, that it makes more sense for me to settle into the embrace of timeless wisdom and make myself comfortable there.
The research will be there, when I resurface… if I ever do.
This line of thinking actually speaks to a larger theme in my life, these days — the need for substance, which I seem to be missing a lot, lately. I’ve got a lot of ideas running through my head, but I don’t seem to be finding a lot of… parity… in my world. There’s a lot of outrage, a lot of getting worked-up going on around me, but there’s not a lot of objective reasoning about things that have lasting value. Sure, there’s lots of chatter about present-day politics and office dynamics and what’s going to become of us all, but those seem to be couched in ephemera, centering around the here-and-now, not looking into the distant past, or imagining a whole new future.
Or maybe it’s just me. I’m tired, after all. And when I’m tired, my mind starts to do interesting things that lead to stories which don’t always correlate with the truth of the matter. I still have a lot to do, today — run a bunch of errands, then go to a friend’s birthday party (god help me), where I have to be social. Sure, I care about the people there. Yep, I enjoy their company. But after a long week of business travel, being all amped-up and tweaking my sensory issues to extremes? Yeah, the proverbial milk of human kindness isn’t exactly coursing through my veins, right now.
Well, so it goes. I’ll do what I have to do, then I have the day OFF tomorrow. It’s something to look forward to, something to work towards.
Reading. Just reading. And sleeping. And reading some more.
Sweet, sweet relief.