Usually, I’m “up to speed” by the 2nd week in January. In the past, I’ve been energized by New Year’s resolutions and the feeling that I have a new lease on life. But not this year. It’s different, now, and I’m not all that invigorated by brand new plans for 2018 that are supposed to fix everything that was wrong with 2017.
Basically, my plans are the same as 2017 – just a continuation with some completion of projects and ongoing progress on the agenda. Whether or not it will “fix” anything, is anybody’s guess, but at least some stuff will get done, and I can get them off my list.
But even though my plans are pretty clear and my path is well-defined, I’m really having to push myself to get going. I can do it. I do do it. I’m a grown-up, and I know that’s what it takes to make progress at times. But this year, I feel like one of those snow monkeys who just wants to sit around in a hot springs while the snow falls all around.
If only I could.
The thing is, I really do have a lot I need to accomplish, this year. Projects I’ve been trying to get done, are finally going to get done, and that’s something to look forward to. But there’s a lot to do, with many little details to get worked out. So — much as I’d like to — I can’t just take myself out of “the flow” and camp out in a pool of warm mineral water.
It’s a goal for future years, but not this year.
Because now that January is here, it seems like everything around me has taken off at top speed. The last 10 days feel like the longest month, and I’ve been scrambling to keep up. Work has been extremely busy, and things at home have been picking up speed. There are health problems with friends. Changes to insurance coverage, that I have to track down and keep on top of (so I don’t have to pay hundreds of dollars for a medication that should cost 5x less). There’s lots of personal drama. Tears. Anger. Mortality. Asking “Why?” And more.
Oy. I could seriously use a break from all the carryover drama plus from last year the brand new drama for 2018. I really could.
Anyway, my life is mine to do with as I please, and with each passing year, I’m more interested in doing something substantive with it. I’ve always been interested in doing that — motivated… driven, even. It’s just that now I actually have a much better idea about how to help it all happen. It’s one of those weird autistic things, where I’m clueless for decades, then all of a sudden — SHAZAM! — I get it, and I can suddenly move forward in leaps and bounds.
I’m “funny” that way.
But that gives me hope in a roundabout way. Because if I can flounder and struggle for oh, so many years… and then suddenly — woo hoo! the path opens up for me in some ways — that means that it can open up for me in others, at any given point in time. And being clueless and stumbling around right now, doesn’t mean I’ll be stumbling around forever in a clueless fog.
Which is, for me (not speaking for anyone else), why suicide is never a viable choice. Because I never know just when things will suddenly open up for me, and stuff that used to be so awful and unbearable aren’t even “blips” on my proverbial radar. Things can turn around for me, just like that, so that’s the state of mind/body/spirit/logistics that I have to hold out for. It gives me something to look forward to, that’s for sure.
So, yeah. My life is there for me to do as I please. It’s not always pleasant, and it’s often pretty painful, to be honest. But I persevere. I hang in there. And ultimately, (many) things turn around. That’s what I’m hanging onto right now, as I lumber through the first weeks of the year like a hibernating bear waddling through the narrow aisles of an antiques store. Maybe some of the stuff I bump into is valuable, maybe it isn’t. Maybe some of the stuff I knock off the shelves is priceless, maybe it isn’t. A lot of that’s in the eye of the beholder, so I can’t get too worked up over things I mess up or break.
I do that. It’s a skill.
But enough about me. I have to go get some work done. It’ll all get done, one way or another, and a lot of it won’t be very enjoyable. But eventually the situation will change, and I’ll move on to something else. One thing at a time, one step at a time, just taking it as it comes, and doing my best under the circumstances… which is pretty danged good, considering how bad / blah / disconnected I’ve been feeling, lately.
It’s all an evolving process. That’s for sure.
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