So, I’ve got another five days, till I go back to work. That gives me time to take care of more chores, organize myself, and finalize some stuff I’ve been needing to finalize.
It’s cold and snowy, which means I’m not going out much. I went for my first long walk, a few days ago, and the fronts of my thighs had lost feeling by the time I got back. My interoception (my internal sense of my body) isn’t always great, so there’s a certain risk with that.
So, I keep it simple and just avoid the situations that could be dangerous. Not always the best thing to do, but heck, I’m on vacation. Why suffer? And why put myself in danger? I know, I’m being dramatic. But at the same time, there’s always some element of risk, when I go out on the roads, especially in the winter. I have to share space with passing runners and cars and trucks, and the path is narrower, with less room on the shoulder — or no shoulder at all — because of all the snow.
It’s definitely less safe, than it is in the summertime, also because drivers are tired and distracted and might be having emotional issues leftover from the holidays.
But I’ll go out later, if I feel like it. I just don’t really feel like it today.
Anyway, I’ve got five days off, pretty much. The days leading up to Christmas definitely weren’t vacation days. I had a lot to do, and that involved doing stuff with my partner, whose presence complicates everything for me, especially when we’re out in public. I love her dearly, I’m just very short on resources when I’m out in the Christmas throngs, which makes me a terrible partner.
I’m not being hard on myself. It’s an objective fact, which I try to mitigate, with greater or lesser success.
Well, so it goes. Lessons learned, each year. It’s all a process, and I’m feeling really positive about my intentions for next year. Of course, feeling good is fine, but doing better is really the goal. Happiness with myself (self-satisfaction, let’s call it) is fleeting. Especially when I see myself drifting from a path I set out for myself before, but failed to stick with it.
As 2017 draws to a close and the “new year” emerges from behind the horizon’s line, I think about all the ways I have come up short, this past year. I’m not being hard on myself. It would be worse, if I didn’t take myself to task for my failings. That would be the ultimate injustice to myself… to treat myself with kid gloves and tell myself that I can’t possibly do any better. I can always do better. Most of us can. We may have serious limitations, but those are rarely all-encompassing, and there are so many other ways we can compensate and make up for our limits in one area with strengths in another.
Autistic or not, we all have that in common. Autism just has a way of making everything seem / feel more extreme. And in many cases, it is.
So, I start my look to the future with a look behind, to find all the places where I can improve and make my coming year different from my last.
And that puts me in the mood to move forward. To make the most of these last five days, intentionally examining my life and seeing where I want my choices to take me, this coming year. I know I have issues I need to deal with — sensory issues, light, sound, touch, that are all made worse by
fatigue exhaustion… balance issues, executive function issues… again, all made worse by being worn out. Just getting better sleep and giving myself more room to breathe on the weekends, really planning out my life and sticking with my routine… that can do wonders for me. It always does, when I stick with it.
I just get into a “brat” frame of mind, where I don’t wanna do what I have to do. Waaahh, waahhh… I can be such a whiner, sometimes. Self-pitying and downright lazy. That’s not me being unfair to myself; it’s calling it as I see it. And I have things I can do about it all.
Like feed myself. Feed my mind. Build myself up in important ways. I tend to push myself so hard, I don’t get enough recovery time. And that’s gotta change. Honestly, I need to do better about getting input, not just constantly cranking out stuff. It’s not difficult, actually. I know what feeds me, and it’s all about good quality ideas, images that lift me up and inspire me… actually reading the magazines I get for free from my frequent-flyer miles I earned years ago, at a past job. The magazines are totally free. And I love reading them. So, I need to do that more. Work that into my weekly routine. Just allow myself the time to work through them.
And less social media. It sucks up too much time, and it doesn’t always feed me. Sometimes it does, but it rapidly devolves. (That reminds me, I need to mute some people who have become exceptionally strident and combative, of late, without the self-criticism that I feel is requisite for taking up thought-battles.) My Facebook involvement is almost nill, and that’s been a huge benefit to me, since I backed off on it. Twitter often seems like a collection of ideological bore-holes, where everybody’s looking for water or oil or some other precious substance, but they’re tightly constrained in their own narrow sphere of influence. I do value Twitter for the links to research. But honestly, I can find that same stuff through a well-crafted Google search. I just have to look for it.
Most of all, this next year is about me taking responsibility for my own inner state. Autism becomes problematic for me, when it’s not properly managed. Of course, external situations play a role. Wouldn’t it be nice to work and live in a world that isn’t full of artificial scent and fluorescent lighting? But I’m one person with a relatively uncommon “constellation” of traits, and it’s simply not practical to expect the world to accommodate me. Anyway, that would actually take away from my adaptive resiliency. I need to adapt. I need to be resilient. I seriously cannot go through life expecting trigger warnings at every turn, so I can avoid unpleasant or taxing situations. If anything, the unpleasant and taxing situations make me stronger.
Do they cause suffering? Of course! Life is full of it, and if I actively avoid suffering, I actively avoid life. So, I’ll take the suffering, use it to learn, and move on. That’s always been my attitude, and it’s seen me through so many challenging situations that cause other people to curl up into the fetal position and/or basically disappear from their own lives.
Other people can do what they like, but I’d rather become toughened to the suffering and actively incorporate it into my life. I’ve never been one for weeping about the unfairness of life. That’s just the state of the world. Never, ever, will the world reach the levels of fairness that my sensibilities require. Do I lose my shit and attack the sources of unfairness, in an attempt to make everything more just and equal? What would be the point? The moment one unfairness disappears, another shows up. It’s just the nature of things, and it’s a much better use of my time to become inured to my own suffering, so I can do my part for others.
Now, I’m not talking about ignoring the systemic injustices that are cemented in place by ignorance and raw lust for power and control. I’m talking about the injustices that I perceive in my own life, which impact me personally. I just can’t let my hypersensitivity (which is a simple fact of my personal makeup) run the rest of my life.
Ah, I see my word count has exceeded 1,000 a few paragraphs back, so I’ll stop now. Gotta have some discipline and keep myself headed in a productive direction, instead of letting myself go on and on. People are busy. Time is precious. I’ve got work to do, so now I’ll go do it.
And prep for my return to the regular world with a renewed vigor and sense of purpose.