Adulting and Peopling… while #autistic

Photo Credit: Christopher Burns on Unsplash - People Walking In Underground Corridor
Photo Credit: Christopher Burns on Unsplash – People Walking In Underground Corridor (modified slightly by me)

As an adult, I have to go out and deal with people on a regular basis. I have to join conference calls with people all over the globe and talk on the phone for 6-8 hours a day, some days.

Yes, it’s extremely difficult. Yes, it wears me out. Yes, I hate it.

But it’s part of my job. And until I can find another position that gets me out of the “flow” of people, I’m stuck with it.

I like having a home and regular meals, you see…

I also have to physically go out and deal with people.

The picture above is a pretty decent representation of what it’s like for me to walk towards a group of people — in or out of an enclosed space.

My vision doesn’t work 100%. It’s narrowed, fuzzy, focused primarily on a single point ahead of me, with everything else in a blur. I have to keep focused on that single point ahead of me.

If I don’t, I may lose my way. Literally. Yes, even in a small, enclosed space.

Forget where I’m going.

Run into things.

Run into people.

Succumb to the mounting anxiety that I know will pass, once I’m out of that tunnel and free of the constriction. I just have to hang in there… just have to stick with it, till I’m out in the clear again.

There’s no escaping it, so don’t waste your / my time feeling sorry for me, feeling my pain. There’s no point to that. The pain is the pain. The confusion, overwhelm, anxiety… it’s all background noise. Just that. Nothing more. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t ruin me. It just is. And I deal with it. Like anybody deals with bad weather or an unexpected turn of events. When things turn out differently from what you expect / plan for, it doesn’t help to throw yourself down on the ground and pitch a fit. You may feel better, or that response may be unavoidable if you’re prone to melting down, but it doesn’t actually change the circumstances you have to deal with.

Flipping out over your shoes getting wet, if you step off a boardwalk into a boggy swamp doesn’t make your feet any less wet.

I just get on with it.

Blurry as I am. Foggy as I am. Anxious as I am. This is all just part of it.

An so it goes.

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5 thoughts on “Adulting and Peopling… while #autistic

  1. I can’t do the phone thing. I say ‘can’t. I can but it makes me ill so I avoid it. The effort involved in communicating gives me migraines. The anomaly in this is if I’m pissed off. Then I make the call but it has to be instantly. One thing overrides another. I know, I can’t work me out either lol

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    1. VisualVox

      I “can” do the phone thing. But it frustrates and depletes me. Hence, I spend most of my waking moments being frustrated and depleted. It gets old, after a while. But I’ve learned to take it in stride… for the most part. I have a very modest “baseline” for my experiences and expectations. Things work best for me when I have very low expectations, in general. Oh, well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When I was pregnant. Work took me off my manual job and made me work in telesales for six weeks. It made me ill. This was before I was diagnosed autistic. I couldn’t communicate how it was making me feel. In the end, they had to make me a script to read from. It was a nightmare but I couldn’t go off sick or I would lose my maternity pay. I used to watch the other women and they LOVED it on the phones. I shudder to think about it now…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. VisualVox

        I had to work a second telemarketing job, back when I was seriously strapped for cash and my day job wouldn’t cover my costs. It was really awful. Just a minefield. And the times I managed to make a good sale, I messed that up, too, by getting too enthusiastic. Clearly, I’m / we’re not cut out for that sort of work.

        Liked by 1 person

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