As an adult, I have to go out and deal with people on a regular basis. I have to join conference calls with people all over the globe and talk on the phone for 6-8 hours a day, some days.
Yes, it’s extremely difficult. Yes, it wears me out. Yes, I hate it.
But it’s part of my job. And until I can find another position that gets me out of the “flow” of people, I’m stuck with it.
I like having a home and regular meals, you see…
I also have to physically go out and deal with people.
The picture above is a pretty decent representation of what it’s like for me to walk towards a group of people — in or out of an enclosed space.
My vision doesn’t work 100%. It’s narrowed, fuzzy, focused primarily on a single point ahead of me, with everything else in a blur. I have to keep focused on that single point ahead of me.
If I don’t, I may lose my way. Literally. Yes, even in a small, enclosed space.
Forget where I’m going.
Run into things.
Run into people.
Succumb to the mounting anxiety that I know will pass, once I’m out of that tunnel and free of the constriction. I just have to hang in there… just have to stick with it, till I’m out in the clear again.
There’s no escaping it, so don’t waste your / my time feeling sorry for me, feeling my pain. There’s no point to that. The pain is the pain. The confusion, overwhelm, anxiety… it’s all background noise. Just that. Nothing more. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t ruin me. It just is. And I deal with it. Like anybody deals with bad weather or an unexpected turn of events. When things turn out differently from what you expect / plan for, it doesn’t help to throw yourself down on the ground and pitch a fit. You may feel better, or that response may be unavoidable if you’re prone to melting down, but it doesn’t actually change the circumstances you have to deal with.
Flipping out over your shoes getting wet, if you step off a boardwalk into a boggy swamp doesn’t make your feet any less wet.
I just get on with it.
Blurry as I am. Foggy as I am. Anxious as I am. This is all just part of it.
An so it goes.