How is this worth it?

Girl standing with an umbrella in a storm with fire Artwork by Mirella SantanaGood Lord, I have been so busy at work, this past week. The past couple of weeks, actually. Maybe even farther back than that, but I can’t remember, anymore.

Getting in to the office at 7:45 a.m. is a huge disruption to the routine that works for me. But that’s what I have to do, right now. There are projects in trouble. There are people in trouble. There’s all kinds of drama that I have to sort through, because it’s stopping me from getting stuff done. It’s stopping everyone from getting stuff done.

And in the midst of it all… people digging in their heels (I love that image), back-biting, snarky undermining… Game of Thrones kinds of stuff.

That’s what makes me tired, more than anything else. The lack of logic. And all these people unable to focus on the job in front of them, because they’re all spun up over what they think somebody said to them and what they think it means.

I know people are upset about current events. North Korea is a wild card. I passed a military convoy on the highway, yesterday. Troops mobilizing. Hm. I dunno. Or maybe not. The whole thing just seems so stupid, and we have no visibility into what’s going on. Not really.

So, I have to just keep going, keep a level head, and not get too invested in everything that seems to be going on. I have to keep my sanity intact, and wasting a lot of time and energy on what-ifs is not one of those things that’s worth all the effort.

I’m not sure any of this is actually worth the effort. Sure, I keep my job. Sure, I learn new things. Sure, I make connections and whatnot. But my quality of life is just awful. I’m exhausted. In pain. Can’t sleep properly. Can’t settle into any soothing activity for long, before I’m dragged back into the fray.

And to think that some people really thrive on this… Interesting.

Well, it’s the weekend, and I have some things I need to take care of. I also have extended blocks uninterrupted time, where I can actually work on my stuff, instead of baby-sitting somebody else’s artificial drama. That’s really what it feels like — babysitting.

Well, whatever. I have my Stoicism to fall back on — and I have been. Actually my  Stoic outlook has really been saving me, time and time again. Just dealing with stuff in front of me, just working through it all and making the most of it… learning new things about myself and new techniques to handle other people… getting some good visibility with “the right people” (ugh – I hate that entire concept, but oh well)… and so forth. At least, I’m able to steer my projects through stormy waters to get to the other side. Where things are more calm. For the moment.

Ultimately, I do believe it will all turn out to be worth it. The storms I’m weathering now will certainly look good on my resume. Except that it sets me up to land in the middle of more storms, which is the opposite of what I want.

When you do something really well… but you hate every moment doing it… and people want you to do it some more… it’s the ultimate irony.

Well, I’m tired of thinking about it. I have the weekend to recover before I have to go back to yet more of the same on Monday.

Time to do some things I really enjoy.

And leave the rest of the world to its drama fog and firestorms.

 

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7 thoughts on “How is this worth it?

      1. Happy searching! In the meantime? I’ve handed in my notice!! Whoooop! (Fingers crossed I get some more clients or I’m really in trouble..) I finish late October – so excited – and no more babysitting 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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