Me and my #autistic spiky profile – or is it “my spiky profile and I”?

my spiky profile 24-Mar-17
My spiky profile 24-Mar-17

It’s been a while since I last did an assessment of “where I’m at in the world” with regard to this Autism/Aspergers thing. I’ve been chuggin’ along, just doin’ my thing… And doing pretty well, too.

Or so I thought. I mean, there are a lot of areas where I can see room for improvement. But I can’t spend all my time in deeply contemplative navel-gazing, let alone picking apart all the ways I need to improve. There are way too many of those, of which I’m keenly aware. I can’t possibly live in that world and have a life. I’d be so tied up in fixing, I’d never do anything else.

So, I’ve taken a break from my “issues” — the good, the bad, and the ugly — for the sake of just living my life.

Now, though, it’s time to take stock, again. I’m job-hunting, and that means I’m assessing my relative strengths and weaknesses (yet again). I also need to get a better working understanding of my #Actuallyautistic strengths and relative weaknesses, so I don’t get jammed into (yet another) situation that tweaks all my worst issues and makes me miserable.

It’s happened so often before, it’s not even funny. And the bitch of it is, the very people (clinicians) who were in a position to help me avoid disastrously exacerbating situations, actually pushed me towards them… as though “exposure therapy” was going to make it all better.

Just like “graded exercise” is supposed to help ME/CFS, but clearly and obviously doesn’t.

Some things, I just cannot do without paying a very steep price — like lots of travel, lots of talking on the phone, lots of disruption and drama, open work spaces (quelle horror!) and long workdays. I’m so happy they had such a positive view of my capabilities, but holy fucking christ, a little realism woulda gone a long way towards sparing me the constant fatigue and ever-increasing speed of the downward spiral … into helllllllll… that it sent me on.

God, I’m tired. It’s more than jet lag. It’s world-weariness and nausea. My once chipper attitude about having the best of both worlds… yeah, that’s waning. Dramatically. I’m so exhausted, it’s not even funny. I feel even worse today, than I did yesterday, like I’m encased in cotton, and everything is at a distance. It’s strange. I can function somewhat, type, and talk. But my coordination is pretty whacked, and I have to pay extra attention, to keep myself from falling.

This is not my favorite frame of mind, body, and soul. I’m wrung out, strung out.

But this is not what I was going to talk about. I started wanting to talk about spiky profile stuff, and so I shall stop my rant/bitch session… and get back to the topic.

It occurred to me this past week that “spiky profile” is perhaps a misnomer. Autistic folks have highs and lows in areas where the neurotypical world considers average scores to be the ideal. Scoring higher or lower than the mean gets you pathologized (and possibly a course of treatment including meds). It seems to me, that connecting dots between the extremes of my highs and lows may indicate that I’ve got capacity in areas where I just don’t.

Here’s a more logical graphic for me:

It shows the highs and lows I have, connected by a line — which shouldn’t even be there, as far as I’m concerned. Here’s one that makes even more sense to me:

The red squares are where I’m at, and the brown area in the middle is where the “norm” is. Where the rest of the world is. Today, of all days, I’m scoring well outside the typical range.

I’m tired — have I mentioned that? 😉 — so I can’t say more. But for now, this graphic stands.

I’m not so much “spiky” today, as I am well outside the median.

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7 thoughts on “Me and my #autistic spiky profile – or is it “my spiky profile and I”?

  1. Open workspace? NO WAY!!! That’s a nightmare! And trying to talk on the phone in that environment, I’ve always wondered how do people even do it? I’ve been through these scenarios and I can’t tolerate it, I feel your pain & fatigue!!! I hope things gets better! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thanks – I’m working from home today, and it’s been a while since I had to work in an open space, but the way things are going in the industry, more companies are moving towards that, and I MUST make it clear to them that under no circumstances will I work in a space like that. End of story. I just need to remind myself to say so. I’ll get there… giving it another week or two…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My previous employer wasn’t accommodating even though my job nature didn’t require me to work in an office. Having said that, it is our right to ask for reasonable accommodation. I hope you have better luck and all the best!

        Liked by 1 person

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    Wow, I really enjoyed this! It appealed to that incessantly logical side of me 😊 Excellent post, as usual 😉💓

    So happy you get to work from home today! 👏🏼👏🏼. Ugh I couldn’t deal with an open workspace. Just like I couldn’t stand an open classroom back when I was in school. You’re awesome!! 💙

    Omg how did you do that assessment thingy? I would love to see where I come up in these areas. I literally have no clue lol. Is this something you designed? Or is it a “standardized” test from somewhere? 😊💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thanks 🙂

      I pulled a handful of traits and put them in a spreadsheet. I filled in numbers, then inserted a scatter plot chart. A few tweaks… and there it is 🙂

      I may build another tool that does a better multi-dimensional version of this. Probably a mobile app, so lots of people can use it wherever, whenever.

      That’s later.

      For now, though, I’ve got a week of recovery ahead of me. Boo. 😦

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This field was intentionally left blank

        Ugh the post-travel recovery – I don’t envy you, sister 💐 I hope it goes smoothly and efficiently for you 💞

        You are one brilliant person, you know that? 😊 I’m consistently kept in a state of awe at what you do, and you’re just doing your thing, which makes it even cooler 💙

        That would be a neat tool to add to your collaborative Auptima Press effort! That’d be sweet 😎💚

        For now, though, take care of You 💪🏼💖🌟

        Liked by 1 person

      2. VisualVox

        Thanks 🙂 Yeah, I’ve been thinking of building something for Auptima. I think I’ve got a good foundation… the “gears” are turning. Thanks for the support.

        Liked by 1 person

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