It’s been a while since I last did an assessment of “where I’m at in the world” with regard to this Autism/Aspergers thing. I’ve been chuggin’ along, just doin’ my thing… And doing pretty well, too.
Or so I thought. I mean, there are a lot of areas where I can see room for improvement. But I can’t spend all my time in deeply contemplative navel-gazing, let alone picking apart all the ways I need to improve. There are way too many of those, of which I’m keenly aware. I can’t possibly live in that world and have a life. I’d be so tied up in fixing, I’d never do anything else.
So, I’ve taken a break from my “issues” — the good, the bad, and the ugly — for the sake of just living my life.
Now, though, it’s time to take stock, again. I’m job-hunting, and that means I’m assessing my relative strengths and weaknesses (yet again). I also need to get a better working understanding of my #Actuallyautistic strengths and relative weaknesses, so I don’t get jammed into (yet another) situation that tweaks all my worst issues and makes me miserable.
It’s happened so often before, it’s not even funny. And the bitch of it is, the very people (clinicians) who were in a position to help me avoid disastrously exacerbating situations, actually pushed me towards them… as though “exposure therapy” was going to make it all better.
Just like “graded exercise” is supposed to help ME/CFS, but clearly and obviously doesn’t.
Some things, I just cannot do without paying a very steep price — like lots of travel, lots of talking on the phone, lots of disruption and drama, open work spaces (quelle horror!) and long workdays. I’m so happy they had such a positive view of my capabilities, but holy fucking christ, a little realism woulda gone a long way towards sparing me the constant fatigue and ever-increasing speed of the downward spiral … into helllllllll… that it sent me on.
God, I’m tired. It’s more than jet lag. It’s world-weariness and nausea. My once chipper attitude about having the best of both worlds… yeah, that’s waning. Dramatically. I’m so exhausted, it’s not even funny. I feel even worse today, than I did yesterday, like I’m encased in cotton, and everything is at a distance. It’s strange. I can function somewhat, type, and talk. But my coordination is pretty whacked, and I have to pay extra attention, to keep myself from falling.
This is not my favorite frame of mind, body, and soul. I’m wrung out, strung out.
But this is not what I was going to talk about. I started wanting to talk about spiky profile stuff, and so I shall stop my rant/bitch session… and get back to the topic.
It occurred to me this past week that “spiky profile” is perhaps a misnomer. Autistic folks have highs and lows in areas where the neurotypical world considers average scores to be the ideal. Scoring higher or lower than the mean gets you pathologized (and possibly a course of treatment including meds). It seems to me, that connecting dots between the extremes of my highs and lows may indicate that I’ve got capacity in areas where I just don’t.
Here’s a more logical graphic for me:
It shows the highs and lows I have, connected by a line — which shouldn’t even be there, as far as I’m concerned. Here’s one that makes even more sense to me:
The red squares are where I’m at, and the brown area in the middle is where the “norm” is. Where the rest of the world is. Today, of all days, I’m scoring well outside the typical range.
I’m tired — have I mentioned that? 😉 — so I can’t say more. But for now, this graphic stands.
I’m not so much “spiky” today, as I am well outside the median.