Ugh – wish me luck – lots of phone calls today.

My family is not making good decisions about their medical choices.

So, I have to get on the phone today and navigate a medical system that’s vast and overwhelming.

Anxiety. Borderline panic. I don’t do well with phones, to begin with, but these circumstances are even more stressful. It’s literally life-and-death.

Plus, it’s medical. And I’ve talked at length about how I feel about dealing with doctors. Long story short, I’m not a fan. I am SO not a fan.

But it’s got to be done. People in my family are not being smart. They’re not being logical. And their fears are taking control.

I can’t let this happen. I have to get on the phone. Make a lot of calls.

Ugh.

My auditory processing is an issue. I have a hard time hearing what people are saying, and I have a hard time piecing it all together as they’re talking. I have a hard time making notes, and I have an even harder time teasing out what my notes mean, after I’m done writing them (and have hung up the phone). The more stressed I become, the harder it is for me to hear and understand.

Too bad. Suck it up. Time to use my stoic training for the higher good.

I’ll reserve a conference room at work and “camp out” there till it’s all settled and taken care of. Just take things systematically, one at a time. Asking all the questions I’m perfectly entitled to ask. And remember that when it comes to this complex stuff, most “civilians” are at a loss. So, asking lots of questions is a good thing, not bad. And in any case, I’m no worse at this than any other non-medical person.

If all goes to plan, by the end of the day, I’ll have extensive information about who does what, in what order they do it, who needs to be involved, and when the next appointment is. I have my script – I wrote it down last night. I have been practicing, rehearsing in my head – over and over and over. I have to do this. It’s not optional.

Some things are more important than avoiding panic.

Some things are more important than feeling safe.

Sometimes I just have to put all that aside, focus in, and get moving in the right direction.

This is one of those times.

Meh, come to think of it, I’m often panicked. I usually walk around with a sick, sinking feeling in my gut… convinced I’m going to screw everything up… but I live my life, anyway. Not to my specifications, but I get it done.

This has to be one of those times.

I’m goin’ in…