Some time to settle in

sunset solitude falling stars
Some peace will be lovely

I’m home sick today. Sinus infection. Ugh. Miserable. Aches, fever, throbbing sinus headache, and just feeling pained at the world.

I’m okay with it, though. I have an uncanny ability to maintain my mental focus on things that interest me, even when my body is writhing in pain. I guess I’ve had a lot of practice.

I’m actually enjoying myself… the aches and throbbing and stabbing pains aside… Because I actually get to slow down today and NOT be driven by all the frantic-ness at work. People really are too much there. They’re all looking for a “quick win”, which is a terrible thing to do All The Time. They’re pushing agendas which they want to Make Happen Right Away, so they have a happy smiley face on their performance assessments at the end of the quarter — which is all of six weeks away.

Huh.

Supposedly, there are going to be re-orgs at the end of this year and/or the beginning of next year. I was worried for the longest time, then I realized that there was no point in being worried. I know for a fact that I bring my best to every single project I’m involved in. Even when my best isn’t nearly as good as I want it to be — due to fatigue, overwhelm, dealing with a steady stream of NT people who are competing for attention, and being perpetually out of synch with the world and feeling like I’m always playing catch-up — I still put my whole self into things.

There’s literally nothing more I can do to “up my game”, as they say. So, why worry?

I just keep plugging along. Even though I never know for sure, if I’m doing great, or so-so, or substandard. I have a terrible time figuring out what people think of me, what their facial expressions mean, what their tone means, so I spend a lot of time “feeling them out” (not feeling them up, for the record) to see how I’m doing.

And that’s exhausting. Which means I don’t really get to bring my best to the situation. Especially at the end of a frenzied week.

Ugh. I’m so sick and tired…

But I’m happy! Woo hoo! I’m just so relieved to not be in that office space with all those people, to not have to drive to and from the office, to not have to deal with the ambient noise, the constant interruptions, the forced focus on things that are so, so boring (ohmygoddd…..) for me and demand a huge act of will to pay attention to them, the environment where people congregate and suddenly get loud for no ostensible reason, other than that they’re all together in a shared space. I guess that’s exciting for them? Lord, it is so tiring. Tiresome. Taxing. And if I never had to go to that place and deal with those people again, I’d be fine with it. Truly, I would. I mean, they’re nice enough and we do get along, but they’re so, so different from me (and vice-versa). I’d never seek them out voluntarily to hang out or spend my precious time with them, socially.

Oh, well.

And now, since I feel physically terrible, I’m going to take a long, hot shower and crawl back into bed. I’ve told my boss I’m signing off for the day. I took care of the few things that needed to be done. And I’m out. Down for the count.

Till I wake up again and start thinking about things that actually interest me.

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