Haven’t got time for the pain

crane surrounded by cement construction blocks
I can pick from any experience I want to have. I’ve got things to do. I choose to experience strength and capability and accomplishment.

I’m in a fair amount of general discomfort this morning. If I move just right/wrong, I’m in pain. Autumn cleanup time is here, and I’ve also had a very busy bunch of weeks, which has put me off my schedule and pushed me more. So, yeah. Pain.

In other ways, I’m feeling a bit of pain, as well. Emotionally, psychologically, socially, my life is pretty painful. And it’s gotten to me, over the past weeks. Autumn is often a hard season for me, because so many things are dying. Also, people die. And things change. And the holidays are coming up, which means even more pain.

What to do?

There’s no way I can deny the pain that exists. But I’ve decided that that isn’t going to be my main point of focus. As a matter of fact, I’ve developed a formidable ability to hyperfocus on things of my choosing — and that hyperfocus blocks everything else out.

Including the pain.

So, that’s my choice. That’s my chosen direction. To hyperfocus on things that interest me, things that fascinate me, things that really give me joy and motivation, rather than getting stuck in the pain.

The pain will always be there. I’m not discounting it, not devaluing it. I just can’t let it wreck my life, when I have a perfectly good capability at hand, which allows me to keep functional, despite the pain.

A friend of mine insists that people need to accept and come to terms with their pain, in order to be healthy and happy. I have to understand and make peace with the ways I’m disabled, to fully honor my humanity. I agree. And I have come to terms with my pain. I know my intermittent, invisible disability all too well. I’ve been on close working terms with it all, my entire life. I’m just not a one-dimensional person who only experiences pain and disability, and makes that the center of their life.

I do not want pain to define me.

I do not want disability to define me.

I do not want to center my life around a narrative of less-than status and capabilities.

I’m just not going there.

Because I don’t need to.

I’ll never tell another person how they should relate to their pain and disability. That’s their business. That’s their path.

For me, I can’t do it.  I need to be fully involved in the world I live in, and that means putting the emphasis on my strengths rather than my weakness. That means strengthening the places where I’m strong, not dwelling on the places where I’m weak. I know about the weak places. They remind me, every single day.

But I can’t live in a world where they’re the only thing that matters.

I feel like crap today. My balance is off. My stomach is churning. I’m lightheaded, and I feel like I’m going to fall over, if I stop moving.

So, I keep moving. Ironically, the more I’m in motion, the better my vestibular sense is. Thus, I’m keeping in motion. Till I’m not. Then I sit and hang onto something, so I don’t fall over and get hurt. Then I gather myself and get back into it.

That’s what works for me. Nobody is obligated to agree with me or try to match me or tell me my approach is good or bad. Everybody finds their own way.

For now — and the foreseeable future — my choice is to recognize what’s wrong, but leave that in the background.

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6 thoughts on “Haven’t got time for the pain

  1. This field was intentionally left blank

    So very sorry that you’re dealing with this. I very much admire your strength and determination, though; your way of thinking and approaching it, I believe, is helpful because you retain a certain (larger than expected) amount of power. My words aren’t cooperating much today so I hope that came out right 😊. I definitely hope you feel better pronto ❤️💐

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thanks – it’ll come together. It always does 😉 I know what to do, to keep functioning to the levels I want/need. I just need to reset my expectations about being able to ever get out of pain. It comes and it goes, but I don’t think it’ll ever permanently go away. And getting my hopes up — like some friends of mine encourage me to do — is just counter-productive. Likewise, my friends who encourage me to embrace the pain and make my life about accepting it, also aren’t helping. I just have to keep on living my life, because that’s the thing that really motivates and rewards me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Emma Schade-Stylli

    I hope you can feel more balanced again soon. I’ve been feeling the pain teacher this week too. Then again, I managed to completely exhaust myself writing the last blog post and I’m due to be at a wedding this weekend. Oops! Time for some R&R.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thanks – I actually am feeling so much better. I just stick to my schedule and routine, and everything levels out again. I have to remember that, every time I get dragged down in a rut. I always re-emerge a little stronger than before.

      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

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