My life and perspective seem to be changing rapidly, these days.
I’ve been connecting with people (at last) who are on my same wavelength. And I’ve really started to dig into some new interests of mine, which are bearing fruit. I’ve also revived some past interests.
And it feels like I need to make some room.
My life is getting crowded, and it’s starting to bug me.
Because the old stuff and the out-dated connections I have with people are taking up space and time that I’d rather use for something new.
I’ve been cleaning my house. Not just rearranging things, but removing things. That coffee table that’s been in the way in the dining room. That pile of stuff that needs to be put back in its place. Stuff I should have thrown out long ago.
I’ve also been rethinking some of my interpersonal connections. I haven’t been on Facebook much at all, for months, and that’s a massive relief. It’s good to not get bogged down in the stuff that’s swirling around there. And when I go back to see what people are doing, I realize I really don’t care. I’m happy for them, but the stuff they care about has absolutely nothing to do with me and my life.
I hate to say it, but the election has really made it plain to me, who I can safely be myself around, and who I need to be guarded around. I work with a number of people who support a candidate who’s been openly aggressive and dismissive and downright cruel to people like myself, and as well as I get along with them, I can’t seem to separate them from the candidate. It’s a shame — but it’s also a blessing. Because the last thing I want, is to be under any misconceptions about who my real friends are. I have trouble with that. And I need to be more discerning and “choosy” when it comes to who gets my valuable time and energy. I’ve dissipated too much energy on people who had nothing to offer in return.
One of those people used to be my best friend. She never treated me well, now that I think about it. That’s been a common theme with my “best friends” over the years. They’ve never treated me right — always treated me like I was there for their own enjoyment and entertainment. Disrespectful. Dismissive. Undermining my marriage and my self-confidence. Huh. Funny, how I pick ’em. Anyway, my now-former-best-friend has since gone on to start her own business and consult with all sorts of high-flying professionals. She’s left me in the dust. Doesn’t have time for me. So, fine. Why am I still considering her a friend? It’s time to let that one go.
I’m also planning on cutting back on the time I spend with my executive function coach. I drive an hour each way in metro-area rush hour traffic to see her, and I often feel worse when I leave, than when I arrived. She’s got some indispensable knowledge that I need to navigate other aspects of my life, but I need to stop doing all that driving. It wears me out. I’m going to look around for a therapist closer to home who knows about the autism spectrum. I have a list of possibilities from my local Aspergers/Autism support organization. I can use the neurological expertise of the EF coach, but I also need to talk through my life with someone who understands the intricacies of my individual autistic life.
I have an autistic women’s support group meeting tomorrow night, but I feel like I need to do more. I need to take better care of myself… really, really take care of myself… get the support I need, find a sounding board to talk everything through. I talk to myself constantly, but I could use another person in the room — who actually knows about Autism/Aspergers — to do a reality check. That’s all I need, actually — just a competent individual who can help validate or critique my thought process and offer a possible counterpoint, so I can make sense of things.
We’ll see how this goes. We’ll see…