I wanted to be good

A very powerful piece that really hits home in so many ways.

Autism and expectations

That rule-following little girl, she really wanted to be good.

She wanted to be able to eat all the food on her plate, even though the textures made her gag. She wanted to not shudder and press her ears to each shoulder in turn, every time you scraped your plate and it made that sound that sets off her reflex hallucinations and makes everything taste of bile.

She wasn’t trying to be difficult when she was given the patterned-metal knife and fork that made her cringe and cower. She wasn’t trying to put off eating. She tried to be good when she wasn’t allowed to change them, her knuckles white from pressing her fingers as hard as she could into the pattern, so that she couldn’t feel it anymore. Anything better than that overload of sensory information, like nails on chalkboard.

She learnt to offer to lay the table so…

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