How Unexpected

Picture of a crane taking apart a house, with rebar and concrete rubble all around
It almost feels like my life is being deconstructed. And not in a good way.

The past couple of days have been pretty intense. I’m wrangling issues with insurance companies and doctors, being pretty much unable to communicate what needs to happen to a doctor who’s central to the problem — a change in drug costs, combined with a change in insurance plan. It’s been a grueling few days, considering this is on top of my recent Autism diagnosis / assessment, which monopolized my attention for weeks on end and was all-consuming for about 48 hours straight (it even felt that way in my sleep).

Add to that the fact that I had a couple of very social days, about a week ago, when I caught up with some old friends (and their neurodivergence issues — one of them has her own issues, and the others have a neuroverdivergent child whom they consider “willfully” disobedient). To say I’ve had a lot of cognitive demands on me, would be an understatement.

So, the social (and emotional) overwhelm of last week… followed by the first “round” of problems with insurance and doctors (“Guess what, peon, your monthly charge for that one drug has just jumped to five times its old price!”)… followed by 3 days and 2 sessions of somewhat arduous collection of supporting materials for my autism assessment… followed by three more days of medical insurance hell, complete with unresponsive parties on all sides, an uncooperative “gatekeeper” receptionist, and a whole lot of misunderstandings and push-back from everyone…

Exhausting. Just thinking about it drains my life force.

And all of this actually surprises me. Because by themselves, they are totally manageable. But together, they have combined to exponentially whack out my whole system.

Especially the assessment — and getting confirmation that, yep, I sure am autistic. As expected.

I’ve been expecting this. I couldn’t imagine how anything else could result from my assessment. All I had to do, was tell the whole truth about myself to someone who actually GETS it, and it would be abundantly clear. I didn’t expect it to throw me, the way it has. But to be honest, it has thrown me. Into a tailspin. I need some downtime to process it all and work my way through the inevitable grief and pain and frustrations built up over the past 5 decades. But I just don’t have that kind of time and leisure. I’ll have it in a few more weeks, when I get a whole week off work (!). But not just yet.

For the time being, I have to keep going. Just keep maintaining. And try not to implode or explode. Take it easy. Take the best care of myself possible.

And be gentle. Go easy on myself. Just let myself be a wreck, if need be. Because sometimes, that’s just how it goes. And sometimes you’ve got to tear things down, before you can begin to rebuild.

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