Oh, why bother?

woman's face in bricks, staring straight ahead
Not feeliin’ it today…

I’m in kind of a crappy mood today. I got plenty of rest last night, but as is often the case, when I get ample sleep after a number of nights with sub-optimal numbers, I actually feel worse. Like I’m awake enough to know how tired I am.

It’s also Thursday, which is just on the cusp of the weekend, and while I am glad that Friday will be here soon — and then the weekend, when I have loads of discretionary time — it kind of drags down my mood that I actually want the weekend to come.

Once upon a time, I loved my job so much, I hated the weekends for interrupting my flow. I still kinda do, though now it’s more about my routine getting screwed up, and less about the bliss and joy that comes from the work I do.

But today, despite the beautiful weather and the fact that the week is nearly over, I’m in a horrible mood and just want to check out – of everything – for the day. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen, because this is my heavy meeting day, and there are things I not only need to get done, but want to get done.

Part of it might be that I’m in pain, this morning. If I stand still, I’m pretty much okay, but the minute I move, I get a searing pain in my joints and muscles. I’ve been working out, lifting heavier weights, lately, because the heavy lifting really helps me and my mood. I feel so much better when I lift more than a 5  pound dumbbell. But now I’m paying for it. And my fingers aren’t cooperating as I type. They have minds of their own, apparently.

Oh, how I would love to be chipper, this morning. But I’m tired. Overwhelmed, for some reason. Not feeling it. At all.

Part of the issue, I think, is that I’m feeling pretty “put upon” lately, and I need some help and support, but I can’t seem to find it. The new therapist I researched who I thought would be great to work with (his profile ticked all the boxes), is only seeing patients who are part of his larger medical group, which isn’t far from my home. So, I’m thinking that maybe it would be worthwhile to check out that medical group, since I am looking for a new doctor, anyway. But I can’t just pick a new doctor based on the therapist I want to see, so…

I thought I could get some support at a local Aspie women’s support group last week, but everyone there had much more serious problems than I, and they were also struggling more with figuring things out, so my stuff got glossed over, and I left feeling wiped out and a little irritated from listening to younger women complain about things that are really just part of growing up, and that we’ve all had to go through, but they ascribed to Aspergers. The thing that got me the most, was that while we were all discussing their issues and trying to be supportive, it never occurred to me that they were just going through growing pains, so I wasted a ton of energy on their “stuff” without understanding the true nature of it.

And it was a waste of time for us all. Issues that I’ve got, which are actually Aspergian in nature, got glossed over for the sake of “Young Werther” type of self-indulgent suffering. I don’t think I’ll be going back again. Not only do I feel like others monopolized the situation, but I don’t feel like I’m even able to get support from those folks.

I’m so accustomed to masking and covering up, and I’m so mortified about the “rudimentary” difficulties I have, it’s very, very hard for me to be open with others about needing help. For me, asking for help has always been like charging into a minefield. I’ve usually “stepped on it” and things blew up in my face, and then I wished I’d never said anything. Anything at all.

There are other events I can attend that will connect me with other Aspies. I’ll do them.

 

Well, anyway, I’ll keep looking for a therapist who I can just talk things through without feeling like an idiot. And I’ll keep looking around for a new doctor. I have one “lead” on a GP that looks promising. But he’s a little more expensive than others, so I don’t know how that will work out. Still, it’s worth a try.

That would be my motto, I suppose.

It’s worth a try.

I never know how things will turn out, so I give it a shot. And sometimes things turn out great.

Kind of like today. I’ll give it a whirl and see how it goes. At least it won’t last forever.  I really don’t feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, interacting with anyone, or doing my job. I want to go for a long walk down a country road and spend the day sauntering beneath the shade of tall trees. I don’t want to be in this work situation, I don’t want to be in this life.

But I’ll get on with my day, and see how it goes.

It’s worth a try, right?

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4 thoughts on “Oh, why bother?

  1. Pingback: Aspies without pattern confirmation – flying blind – Under Your Radar

  2. It’s always frustrating when you expend energy on something in the belief that the payback will be worth it in the long run. It feels like such a waste, but nothing ventured…

    I hope your day gets better. Sometimes you have to feel the hopeless, so you can truly appreciate the hopeful.

    Do I believe that? Probably not 🙂 but I do believe that sometimes we need a bit of a wallow for a while, then we carry on again, and it genuinely helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Thanks – yes, wallowing has done the trick, and now I’m on to other truly exciting things. It’s amazing what a difference a new research paper makes! =:-D

      Liked by 1 person

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