I’m a little bummed out today about not having a formal Aspergers diagnosis. I’m actually pursuing that, but it’s been stop and go… and part of me is thinking, “Why do I even need a diagnosis, if I’m not going to access services?”
But having an official diagnosis would be independent confirmation of what I’ve pretty much known to be true for the past 18.5 years, and it would give me a starting point and a context to discuss my issues with another human being.
The main thing about getting a formal Aspergers / autism diagnosis, is that it’s a validation of my thought processes around this “meta-pattern” I see in my life. Aspies are hard-core pattern thinkers. It’s how we approach the world, how we deal with our environment, how we understand the world around us.
It occurred to me this morning that pattern thinking is very much like a separate sense for Aspies — it’s the very way we access the world. So, denying us a formal diagnosis is like refusing to get corrective lenses for someone who is near-sighted, far-sighted, or just plain needs them to see.
Yes, that’s exactly how it is for me. Without patterns, I am “flying blind”, so to speak, and before I had a full understanding of my Royal Aspieness, I blundered through a lot of stuff. I made a mess of things. I still do, when I lose sight of my Aspieness and try to live like a “regular” neurotypical person.
So, yeah, it’s important to have at least a provisional diagnosis that offers a way to frame your life in meaningful ways. Without that understanding, without access to that meta-pattern, everything is so much harder, so much more fuzzy, so confusing.
It’s literally like needing glasses, but not having them.
I’m so pleased with that analogy, it’s really perked me up. I don’t feel quite as bleak as I did, an hour ago.
So, whether the diagnosis is self-determined or an official DX from a qualified provider / professional, an understanding of your issues within the proper context makes all the difference in the world.
Now, if I can A) get a trained professional to sign off on my suspicions, and B) find a therapist who can work with me 1:1 on my issues, that will be a couple of positive steps in the right direction.
It’s coming together… slowly but surely. But at least there’s progress.