One of the benefits I’ve always seen with the online world, is how easy it is to withdraw and go off the grid.
All you have to do is not turn on a device. Or not fire up your browser. Or just not go on social media. At all.
That’s pretty much what I did today. I did have to go online and check my email to see about a letter one of my sisters sent me. But other than that, and reading an online piece about something that interests me, I had very little online activity today.
No hanging out on Twitter. No checking Facebook. No chatting with anyone, really. Just living my life, taking care of errands, talking to my sister for a couple of hours, making supper, and watching the storm clouds roll in.
I’ve been pretty active online for the past few months. I’ve been pretty active, period, since the beginning of the year. Moreso, probably, than in recent years. And certainly a lot more active in regards to Aspergers and autism spectrum interests.
But to be perfectly honest, I kind of miss my days of yore, when my special interests were mine alone, and I wasn’t sharing them with many people at all. I find other people’s interest in what I do, to be intrusive. Everybody wants to be involved, especially if I’m having fun. But the minute a lot of other people get involved, it turns into a group activity, and I’m just not into that.
I really need my solitude. It’s been lovely, getting to know people and poking around the Autisphere, for the past several months, but I really like being autistically solitary. I like my peace and quiet, moving at my own pace and not having to figure out what to say to other people. I really enjoy the company of my own self and my own thoughts, and that’s something I lose, when I’m around others — even folks on the spectrum… even online.
I’ve also had it up to “here” with all the bickering and fighting and complaining and name-calling. Nobody really has any interest in understanding what others are saying and what they mean. They just want to make their point and get their piece said in as forceful and undeniable a way as possible. I have no patience for that. None at all. Even if I agree with you, if you take that approach, you are literally adding to the problem. You’re a problem. And I haven’t got time to spare on self-perpetuating misery that’s used to justify wallowing in self-pity and pointing fingers at everyone else who’s BAD. It’s juvenile. Sorry, I have to say it, But it is juvenile.
So, I think it’s time for me to “fall back” and return to my own interests, my own activities, my own “thing” that I and only I know about. I’m suspending work on the “Spot Check” tool I built a while back; I really can’t be bothered with keeping up with a release schedule, right now, and I actually just built the tool for myself, not anyone else. It’ll stay up there, if people want to use it, but I’m not going to regularly maintain it.
Other people with more ambition than I can take on that sort of thing. And I wish them well.
As for a formal diagnosis… Yah, why bother? I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone, and even if I were diagnosed, it would only work against me in the current American healthcare system. I’d end up getting “managed” by idiots with a formula that was invented by other idiots. So why bother? It would just work against me. And cost me money… which I don’t have to spare.
As much as I would love to change things for the better for other people, that’s really up to them. I just need to live my life. I need to do it in the real world, not online… as well as inside the safety and comfort of my own mind. I’ve missed spending time there alone, without all the noise. All the noise.
So, it’s back to my quiet life for me. I mean, what’s the point in in being autistic, if you don’t actually withdraw into yourself? What’s the point indeed?