Today I am here – very focused on my special interests… isolating

I really don’t feel like going to work today. I spent the last three days in blissful solitude, only going out into the company of others once — on Friday night for fireworks. It went pretty well. For the first time, I took my earplugs, and the experience was a LOT better than ever before. But my partner also got to chatting with some people who were nearby, and that always puts me on edge. Because I’m expected to interact.

Please. Go away.

It’s not fair to my partner, of course, because after a few hours with silent, predictable me, she needs to interact with social people. She’s friendly. She likes to connect. She likes to promote her activities and bring people into her social circle. Quelle horror, is all I have to say about that.

Looking at the graphic above, I can see that my sensory issues have NOT been acting up as much as usual. That’s a blessing. And I think it really has to do with how active I’ve been in pursuing my special interests — coding up my Asperger’s Autism Spot Check Tool. It’s been a really fun weekend. I’ve been having a grand time, refreshing my memory about the web development work I used to do all day, every day, for about 15 years. I’ve missed it. And it’s whetted my appetite for more. 

In terms of Sensory aspects, I have been having a little bit of trouble with tactile defensiveness — touch feels painful to me, especially water on my skin — but actually less than usual. I noticed that this morning, as I was making my breakfast. The biggest sensory impacts have been with noise sensitivity, sensing where my body is in space, my balance, and my sense of time. I’m tired — I haven’t been sleeping that well, thanks to being off my schedule. But I’ll be able to remedy that in the coming days and weeks, now that things are back to normal.

In terms of Social aspects, I have really just wanted to cocoon myself away… keep people at bay, so I don’t have to bother with figuring out their “stuff”. I really just want to finish up my system — upload the new help files, refine the text, take care of the details that need addressing… and also do some blogging about this tool and how it’s helping me.

The main thing is really that it’s giving me a high-level visual of how I’m doing, what aspects of my royal Aspieness are factors in my daily life, and pointing me towards areas where I can make some adjustments to even things out a bit.

Behavior-wise, I’ve been doing pretty well. (Oh, I see that the placement of the quadrants is backwards in the input form – I need to switch that, so it matches the graphic – that will be in the next release.) I love – love – love my routine, and I’m very dependent on it. So, yes, vacations and time away from my regular schedule can be a problem (and make me more inclined to isolate and pull back from the rest of the world).

Ironically, I haven’t really been stimming that much, lately. Or have I? I think maybe typing is a form of stimming. And I did go on a “jag” the other day of running in circles around the house, racing in a big circle through the living room and kitchen and dining room a bunch of times, so that was a form of stimming. But this morning not so much, so it gets a low score today.

I’m strongly list-dependent (which is a love-hate thing for me), in no small part because I’m highly impulsive and impatient and distractable. I’m also feeling highly visual — not really wanting to talk much (see Non-Verbal above). Of course, when my wife appears from her bedroom, first thing in the morning, I have to kick into “NT-gear” and be all chatty and conversational, because that’s how we roll. But it takes effort on my part. It doesn’t come naturally. I just do it because it’s what the situation requires — and it’s a whole lot more pleasant than pissing her off with being taciturn and grumbly, first thing in the morning when she wakes up.

It’s all a part of meeting people half-way. And the best part is, she goes back to bed feeling good, and I get to return to my work without a lot of angst and wondering what I did wrong this time.

The best part about my AS “Spot Check” self-assessment this morning, is that “Meltdown” is nowhere to be seen. It’s not exactly non-existent, but it’s so way-way low, that it’s not taking up a lot of energy from concern. And that’s a very good way to start the day.

Oh… My hands are tired. And it’s time to go to work. So, that’s it for now.

2 thoughts on “Today I am here – very focused on my special interests… isolating

  1. Liberty of Thinking

    Hey VV…
    About earplugs; I became happily dependent on them. I have several pairs, everywhere, always at hand.
    Today was a particularly awkward day. The weather changes absolutely tormented my loose sacroiliac joint(s), combined with an elevation of my tormenting sensory overload, both audio and visual. I ended up unable to sit outside even when cloudy, as my eyes/head started to really hurt. My ears went hyper, to the point where I could hear a tap drip through my earplugs…
    Long drive tomorrow, meeting new people, I’ll have to hide behind my usual colleagues until comfortable.
    I’m tired of adapting, adapting, adapting…
    You have a great day VV…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. VisualVox

      Hi Moshe, sorry to hear that. Sounds like quite the undertaking. I’m glad to hear you have colleagues to hide behind. Yes, adapting does get a little old, after a while. Fortunately for me, this week is quiet, as most people are out of the office on vacation for the short week. I’ll take what advantages I can get.

      Liked by 1 person

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