It’s a spectrum, after all.

Square of many colors, stripes, angles, pointing in different directionsToday is a good day, right from the get-go.

I don’t have to go into the office.

That means I don’t have to deal with constant interruptions of sound coming from people clunking leftover binders on the shelves of the cabinet outside my cube.

That means I don’t have to deal with people coming up behind me to interrupt me “for just one minute” that turns into 15 minutes of blather which completely throws me off my train of thought and trashes the past 30 minutes of concentration.

That means I don’t have to deal with:

  • the high-pitched whine of a malfunctioning thermostat beside the coffee maker
  • the intermittent mechanical groan of an automatic paper towel dispenser that seems to be possessed and keeps spitting out more paper towels on its own
  • the spray of room deodorizer that shoots out of the overhead dispenser at unpredictable intervals in the ladies room, either showering me in offensive, inescapable scent, or forcing me to hide out in the stall until the scent has dissipated enough to (almost) avoid
  • the gaggle of empty-headed nitwits clad in clothing two sizes too small for them (or anyone over the age of 14, really) who report to the guy in the office next to my cube, whose primary goal in life seems to be purely to breed — their interactions are stereotypically “look at sexy, sexy me!” and they roam around in a perpetual cluster of giggled clouded by a haze of flirty, hormonally propelled jokes that are even more annoying than the pounding of their footsteps on the floor (I’m not a fan, in case you hadn’t noticed)
  • the sound of the people next to me who are on conference calls pretty much all day
  • co-workers on the other side of the planet who take advantage of their distance to say and do things they know I can’t just reach out and choke them over

I can actually work in peace and quiet today. And the thing that gets me about the work situation, is that I can’t reasonably ask for accommodations to get people to shut up, leave me alone, or even get Facilities to fix that damn’ thermostat, because my issues aren’t reliable enough to be predictable. And it’s not every day that I am as sensitive and irritable as I am today.

My poor partner. She has to live with my perpetual ups and downs, without knowing for sure how I’ll be at any given moment. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I’m going to be, from one day to the next, one hour to the next. It’s not easy for me, either. It’s one of the things that makes me nuts about being on the spectrum — so much is unpredictable and iffy. I can’t always determine the trajectory of my state of mind/body/spirit/emotions. So, I’m kind of playing catch-up a lot.

Stimming to take the edge off. Dealing with balance issues. Sensory issues. Frustrations. Stresses. All of which serve to heighten some traits — and lessen others. Augh! It’s so confounding — especially with my pattern-seeking mind. I can’t always detect patterns behind what I’m experiencing. And that’s even more stressful and disorienting.

That’s something I hope to remedy with my AS traits chart I’ve been working on. I’m hoping it will help me get a better grip on my issues. Understand them better. Have a more visual approach to handling them. Since I’m so visual, to begin with.

And yes, I am ready for a long weekend. I’m so looking forward to doing as little as possible, as often as possible.

I need a break.

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