Meltdown… or shutdown… or both?

Meltdown Bingo: Autistic Edition – Image Description: A “bingo” card listing many different contributors to an autistic meltdown – see https://silencebreakingsound.wordpress.com/2015/12/21/meltdown-bingo-autistic-edition/ for details.

Recently, I came across a statement that 70% of autistic folks shutdown, rather than melting down.

I’ve been having an ongoing discussion with some of my Tweeps (Twitter buddies) about the distinctions between the two, and we seemed to concur that meltdowns and shutdowns can be two sides of the same coin. OR maybe they’re really variations on the exact same thing.

In any case, what happens to us is a result of total f*cking overload. We can’t escape it — or think we can’t. We’re trapped, overwhelmed by both external stimuli, as well as internal thought processes that aren’t working in our favor. Triggered. Traumatized. Fight-flight-freeze response set into high gear, with nowhere to go with it. Freaked out. Without any apparent recourse.

And it turns in on us — whacks us out and sets in motion an internal flood — like a tsunami, as one person described it — that you can’t stop… just watch it come in, and stand in a mixture of dread and horror and dismay and desperation, as it tears apart the fragile balance that you’ve managed to put in place.

It takes a while for it all to settle down again. It’s taken a week for me to get back to feeling even remotely normal again, since my last meltdown last Tuesday, and I’m still not back in decent shape, yet. Still shaky. Still not sleeping well. Eating more junk food than usual. At a very low ebb. Not particularly productive at work — not even able to focus on what’s in front of me and follow through. Depressed… sort of… Or maybe that’s really what it is.

In any case, I need to take care of myself as best I can, to ensure this doesn’t continue to happen — as a result of negligence on my part, or the part of others around me. My wife woke up this morning with all sorts of updates about political churn that’s being created to heighten the drama of the U.S. election. That’s not what I need, first thing in the morning, when I’m still recovering from a meltdown.

So, I simply sat quietly and focused on my breathing, nodding and commenting, here and there, and then reminding her that it was still early, and this is my Final Day Off, so I really want to spend it in peace and quiet. She’s got her own perspective, and it’s important to her. I can’t just push her off, demanding peace and quiet. For all the times I’ve tried that in the past, it really doesn’t work.

Nor does it help me to learn how to handle these kinds of situations. And rather than focusing solely on controlling my environment (as I tend to do), there’s the opportunity to develop skills to help me see my way through the onslaughts, the tidal waves, the earthquakes… the lot of it, that is my life.

I simply can’t expect the rest of the world to accommodate me in every respect, and there will always be those times when I cannot have my d’ruthers. I’m an adult, living in a demanding world, and I need to meet it halfway. That means not only minimizing my exposure to pointless drama, but also cultivating the coping mechanisms that help me see things through and stay stable in the face of demanding challenges which are unavoidable — or which are just part and parcel of being married to someone with strong opinions and a burning need to interact.

Like political uproars, first thing in the morning.

I may be a bit different from other folks who invest a fair amount of time in fostering change in the world to make more room for them. I’ve now and then tried to foster those kinds of changes, myself — asking healthcare providers to not make so much noise when I see them, so the racket doesn’t add more stress to an already challenging situation… asking my partner to give me some space and not overwhelm me with her frenetic concerns about what might happen in November, before I’ve finished my cup of coffee… asking for family gatherings to be a bit more scheduled, so I can mentally prepare for what’s comin’ down the pike.

I can do all these things. I have done them. At the same time, it’s sometimes actually harder for me to navigate those changes, myself, than just go with business as usual. Pain and discomfort and predictable overwhelm has the advantage of being, well, predictable. And the people I deal with don’t have to get all socially awkward in trying to accommodate me.

It’s all a trade-off, really. I’ve never been very good at asking for help. I get confused. I don’t even always know what it is that will make things better for me. Everything is so variable, and when I do ask for help, I often get push-back, so then I need to navigate an already difficult social dynamic with yet more confusing factors. That’s not a big “win” for me.

In some ways, I’m happiest just sucking it up and dealing with it. Bracing for the “hit”. Holding my tongue. Staying still. Blending in. I don’t see it so much as capitulation or complicity, as I do a simplified (albeit frustrating and energy-sucking) way of dealing with the world, where I consult exclusively with the one expert on my needs — myself.

I like people. I really do. I like interacting with them – up to a point. And after 50+ years of learning how to “speak NT” and be fluent in the ways I can relatively seamlessly interact with them, it’s just a lot easier for me to do that, than try to educate them, advocate for myself, and foster change in long-standing, institutionalized systems and modes.

Maybe that makes me a bad autistic person. Maybe that makes me implicitly complicit in my own oppression. It probably does. But some days, I’d rather just have some peace and quiet, than even think about how things might be different.

In any case, when it comes to meltdowns and shutdowns, the causes are pretty much the same. The effects are very similar. And I need to take steps to protect myself and advocate for myself, no matter how challenging that may be.

At the very least, I have my bingo card. So, I can “play” with the people who are pushing me towards a meltdown — without realizing it, or without appreciating the long-term effect it will have on me, my life, my job, my survival.

It just might help.

Here’s hoping.